Procrastination coupled with Busyness says "I can never really fail if I never really give myself a chance to try."

I don't know why I do it, but I always fill my life to the maximum with activites. I know my times with God have suffered because of it. Even my blogs reflect a lack of activity.

I am a goal-seeker, an activist, a dreamer. I don't like to waste my time watching lots of movies or doing self-indulgent activities. I would rather be out there seeing the world, spending time with people, and doing ministry than sitting in front of a screen.

But yet..my relationship with God still is nowhere near what I would like it to be. I see now I have failed to realize in action, that my vision and strength and energy to go out and do work for God comes from the rest and time spent with him. I am inefficient in everything I do if I am not filled with the strength that comes from God.

I feel like my vision for my future has faded. And I know the main reason for this is because I haven't spent alot of time in silence and solitude and rest in God. Busyness does not equate fruitfulness. I cannot discover my calling and God's will for me if I am not spending time receiving wisdom from him.

I will tell you a story to help you understand. In this story there were two friends, John and Jason. Both of them worked at the same company and were vieing for the same raise and higher position.

John studied hard, he spent time reviewing the business strategies, developing a plan and preparing the skills required to do the job. Then he set out to do it.

Jason on the other hand was confident in his knowledge already, he barely studied but went out and started promoting himself to people and marketing his skills hoping that he could show his boss he could do the job.

If the boss were to look at both John and Jason-who would he give the job to?

Our answer should be John. John's work ethic showed his boss that he was serious about what he was about to do. He spent time in careful preparation so that he could do his job well. He didn't trust in what he knew and jump right into the situation like Jason did, which left lots of room for errors, but he made sure he had stored up the vision and character and skills required to do his job efficiently.

Looking at my life right now I would like to be like John, but my approach is more like Jasons.

Busyness is just one more way I can distract myself from the difficult work and diligent discipline required to achieve my goals. It is a form of procrastination.

In freedom session we learned that procrastination is a form of avoiding pain or difficulty by avoiding it and putting it off till later. Procrastination says "I am afraid of failure." Busyness says "I can do it on my own." Procrastination coupled with busyness says "I can never really fail if I never really give myself a chance to try."

Next semester my life needs to change. Busyness can no longer be an excuse for missing devotions or time spent with God. My future is not clear right now, but my eyes have not been focused in the right direction.

God has taught me alot this semester, some very hard lessons, but I have a feeling this one will be the toughest and most rewarding of them all.

Tess

God knows my desires better than I do.

Ever had a moment where God surprises you with just a little hint as to how he's working in your life? You just want to jump up and down with joy because you realize he has been working for your good even when it seems like he hasn't. Well, I had one of those moments the other day at work. You could probably tell by my smile.

I was bussing a table and moping to myself about the big financial burden I am trying to pay off on 8 dollars and hour. I started thinking about how much easier things would be if I could only serve and make more money. It started to dawn on me that I have been placing my faith and pursuit of happiness in the idea of making more money rather than trusting in God's purposes (once again). I am going to try to summarize the conversation God and I had directly afterwards.

"Tess what do you really want in life? What are the deepest desires of your heart?"
"To be like you Jesus in everything that I do."
"Do you really think that making more money is gonna lead you closer to that desire?"
"Uhh..No. I think it would actually make me be farther from being like you God."
"Why?"
"Because I would place my trust for happiness in money, I would give it the control over everything that I do. It would never be enough for me and I would end up being a greedy, prideful, and bitter person. "
"Is that what you want?"
"No God..but.."
"But what would shape you to become like me?"

Then it dawned on me. All the trials and tests and unfair circumstances I have been put through at Eastside Marios have actually led me closer to my deepest desires of being like Jesus and giving him glory. Gaining lots of money and being comfortable never would have. At Eastside Marios I have learned patience, how to perservere in suffering, how to place my finances in God's hand, how to become bolder in sharing my faith, how to cry out to him in my pain, and how to rejoice even in the difficult.

"You see daughter I only have good purposes in mind for you and I will fulfill every desire of your heart in my timing"
"Thank you God. I love you so much. Words can't even describe how great you are!"

This realization has given me new hope and trust. Even though things are still really hard and I can even feel the pain of everything I have gone through at this job fill my heart as I write I am glad that he has put me there. He has brought light out of my darkness and once again proved to me that he is indeed very Trustworthy.

John 1:5 "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."

Tess

I am getting sick on the craziest and busiest last two weeks of school. Immune system please get better soon!

God is Good. Don't ever doubt it!

Prayers from a contrite heart.

God I give it all up.

I need you. I am desperate for you.

Without your intervention I am a lost soul

left to my own devices.

This life is not easy-and you never promised it would be

but you promised you would never fail me

and your promises never fail.

You are a God who never fails,

and I will rejoice in that.

Despite my circumstances you remain good

you sustain me, give me the strength to carry on

and remind me that I have a purpose worth living for.

Your purposes for me are unfathomable

I cannot comprehend the amazing glory you have in store for those who seek you

Jesus you are the center of all I live for

You are the reason for everything good in this world

Everything worth suffering for

Love is not shown when it is easy to forgive

But it is shown when forgiveness is given to those undeserving

I am undeserving.

Thank you Jesus for your amazing Love.

Father I repent for my sins

I repent for my frustration and anger towards you

You shower mercy on me every day

When I deserve your anger and wrath

But yet I pour anger and wrath on you

for things undeserving

Father you deserve my worship, you deserve my praise

I will serve you for all of my days

Because of who you are-

Not because of the things you give me

But because you are Just, Holy, Loving, Forgiving, Merciful,

All-powerful All-knowing and All-present

I will live to make you known.

Amen

I recognize that all of these prayers mean nothing unless they are followed by action.

May I seal them with my deeds.

How long?

It started out casual and ended with a whole lot of tears. A dear friend asked me how I was doing yesterday. Before I knew it I was soaking the carpet beneath me as I fought through conflicted emotions explaining that I felt like God has hid his face from me. I have sought His advice lately and gotten no reply or lead, and I have called out to him for guidance and received none. I feel like God has shut off his cell phone. This is a hard concept for me to grasp because I know that God is always present with me-and even though I feel like he has disappeared His hand is still withholding me and leading me. My friend gave me a new perspective on my situation by pointing out to me that there was a few hundred years of time between the New-testament and Old testament where God didn't speak-and that He uses times like these to cause desperation leading to full dependency. ( A belief/action that demonstrates that I cannot do life on my own!) She also mentioned that periods of waiting and silence often occur right before we are launched into something God has prepared for us to do.

This brought encouragement and thankfulness into my heart. I have tried to trust God and seek him out despite the lack of vision I feel. Vision is something that fires me up and keeps me passionate about doing great things for Him. I had it so strongly last year and believe it is reflected in some of my earlier posts. When I have vision I feel secure in knowing what I need to do next. But that vision is not Jesus-it one of the gifts He gives us to help us walk confidently in his will- but without it I am learning to find my contentment simply in who He is and in joy that I am able to have a relationship with Him at all.

David sums up how I feel in a piece of poetic genius.

Psalm 13

¹ How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
² How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

³ Look on me and answer, LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
⁴ and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

⁵ But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
⁶ I will sing the LORD’s praise,
for he has been good to me.

Tess

I love my friends deeply.

If you see me smiling at you for no apparent reason

It's cause I'm thanking God for our friendship

If you hear me laughing and see the tears of joy well up in my eyes

It's cause I appreciate your humor more than you know

If I go to you with my deep thoughts and feelings

I'm being vulnerable because I trust you

Thank you Lord for friends. Although I may not have many close ones right now, I am so grateful for the ones who continue to stand by me, the ones who do not let distance cause a divide in our relationship. Jesus I pray that you would help me to make more close friends. Bring people into my life who I can be a support and encouragement to. Amen.

ahahahaha!

If you are reading this can you please reveal your identity? We are all dying to know.

My life is His.

I love learning about God, experiencing the life that He brings, and persevering in His purposes for me . There is nothing else or no-one else in the world I would rather wholly devote my life to. What about you?

My opinion on bloggers.

Is it just me? but it seems like those who blog are wise and opinionated. Opinionated in the good sense of the word, that they think about things and let them penetrate their hearts deeply until they build a opinion of some sort, usually apathy-free.

They are people whose thoughts and opinions need to be released in some form, if not through their mouths then through their fingers. I like bloggers :)

Destiny.

Hello Blog :) It's been a while since I've contributed to our relationship. I mean I go on to you to read other people's posts but never to write my own.

Well here I go..

This past semester has been, well difficult. I often read other peoples posts and think to myself, wow it seems like life is treating them well, I feel like I am treading a very rocky path in comparison.

I know that the future God has for me must not be easy. I am in a period of preparation for the even bigger hike ahead. His voice grew distant over the past few months, whether it was due to my own sin and distraction or if it was a test to see if I would trust him.

It made me grow desperate for Him. David writes in psalm 63

"O God, you are my God,

earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water."

My future seemed (and still does) so unclear and God hasn't given me any hints yet-despite my many questions. I don't know my future, and I don't know what I will do, where I will go, who He will use me to impact, and whether or not what I dream about doing will actually come to be. I do know this one thing though,

My God is BIG. Who am I to worry about little things in comparison to his wisdom, power, and strength to provide all I need and more. He knows whats best for me. As much as I repeat this over and over to myself-Do my actions prove that I believe it? Do your actions prove that you believe it?

I was watching Prince of Persia last night and one of the lines that really stood out to me as the theme of the movie was "You make your own Destiny". See this is what so much of the world believes, but when I take a close look at all of those who have tried to make their own destinies I usually see emptiness and pain. I can bet you anything that every single one of them carries burdens from past choices they've made. Clearly our way of doing things hasn't been working. I have seen countless people shattered from the consequences of their own decisions, decisions that initially were meant to bring happiness but didn't work out the way they thought they would. I believe that God has a plan to fill our lives with purpose and love. Like I said before, He knows whats best for us and wants what's best for us. As much as we think we know what's best for ourselves, I would beg to differ. God knows everything about each of us, our every desire, even the number of hairs on our head. He sees that which we don't always see, what we really need, not just what we want. If we follow His plan for our lives we will find joy that passes all understanding. It will always be a battle to want to make our own destiny and think we know whats best, but when we let go and let God lead us into the destiny He has already written for us, He will surprise us with fulfillment we never thought we could find.

If we can take just a moment and stand before God and admire this truth and who He is in all his greatness every single day, it will inspire our hearts to worship and live in the freedom that He meant for us to live in.

"Don't worry my child, I have it all taken care of. "

Pain. There is never a shortage of it in my life. It is exhausting. Today I faced it head on and found myself hurting more deeply than I have allowed myself in a while. Ignoring my pain has never made it go away.

Just because I am a broken person does not mean I am spiritually weak or unstable. In fact I think it makes me beautiful, reflecting how God can heal and restore me in my broken-ness when I submit to Him.

I am ready to walk into this pain and stop denying it's existence. God please hold me close or else I'll fall to pieces.

What is it in me
That hangs on for so long
Why do I fight the tears that come?
I work so hard to
Keep in control when
All that I want is to let go

Tess

I need a Faith.

The more I walk with Christ the harder it seems to get. It seems that as my faith grows there are many more challenges I am faced with that test my faith as if to make sure it will not falter when storms come.

God of course supplies me with what I need to get through the challenges. This teaches me to rely on Him for strength, but the way I see it my circumstances do not always change for the better becoming easier and more comfortable as I would like them to.

I am really struggling at my job right now. I get paid minimum wage to work my butt off in a stressful disorganized restaurant. I get treated like Crap * to say it lightly* but yet I feel the need to show my friends at work that I am set apart and have light by staying joyful and not letting these things bring me down.

I feel like a failure at doing this alot of the time. I leave work frustrated after almost every shift, with some sort of complaint in my mouth. I want to change but despite my efforts I fail.

The thing is..as long as I am trying on my own to be joyful and set apart its not gonna work. God is the one who supplies my joy and sets me apart. I need more faith to trust that despite my attempts to find another job (nothing yet) He has a purpose still for me at my current job. Please pray for me as it is very hard to stay patient and endure these hard circumstances and financial strains.

I need a faith that will trust in the unseen

I need a faith that will help me to believe

That my God will supply everything that I need

I need a faith that will prove He lives in me

Tess

One letter actually makes all the difference.

So my road test is October 27th.

I had my first driving lesson today and there is lots of stuff I still need to practice. Go figure.

The thing is...I am DESPERATE I mean DESPERATE to have the freedom that comes along with the one simple letter "N". I am sick of missing buses, being late, and not being able to do the things I want (including ministry) because they are too far away to bus to or would take a bajillion hours to get to via transit.

My point being, I NEED to pass my roadtest as it will take me another 2-3 months before I can take it again.

I know I have been asking for alot of prayer lately but its only because I believe that God does answer and is faithful when we call on him in truth and it aligns with His will.

So if your reading this right now please say a little prayer for me asking God to give me the skills and focus I need to do well on my roadtest and the time to practice.

Thanks!

Thoughts on Community.

I haven't blogged in a while and right now I am just bursting at the seams with things I want to say. I was at Rock the River tonight with the youth group of CAC and it was alot of fun! But mostly because of the people I was with.

I knew so many people there that every twenty feet I would be greeted by someone who I had made memories with. I felt so loved and involved in the christian community of the Lower Mainland and a part of what God is doing in the area.

It got me thinking about the community and Christ-like relationships Jesus intended us to have. These kind of relationships are not surface level but go deeper on an emotional and spiritual level. The forgiveness and unconditional love that is expressed within these relationships sets them apart. God uses the Holy Spirit within our friends to speak to us and convict us and give us hope.

The love we have for one another is what sets us apart from the rest of the world and points straight to Jesus. There is no doubt about it that Christ-like relationships and Christ-centered community is important. Somehow though people have got themselves into thinking that their relationship with Jesus is only personal. That they don't need church or community to grow spiritually and that it is ok to just keep it to themself. They have themselves fooled; until they discover the importance of community within the Body of Christ they will miss out on a many wonderful opportunity to witness God working here on earth.

My life would only be better if...

Have you ever been unsatisfied? Have you wanted something more, wanted something someone else had or even yet wanted to be someone else. I'm pretty sure we all have, and probably do right now if we are honest with ourselves. If I asked you right now to make a list of what you want off the top of your head I'm sure you could do it, and it would be a long long list.

I'm not ashamed to admit that these are just a few of some of the things I desire.

A better job

A kinder manager

A family that understands me

Friends that are closer

Nicer clothes

More exciting opportunities

Money for travel

To meet my husband

To be a better musician

To be slimmer

"My life would only be better if..." is in our heads constantly, or at least it's in mine. Thinking that a single one of these things will satisfy me and make my life better will never lead me closer to Christ; it will lead me even deeper into my own selfishness and insecurity. This pursuit of worldly happiness is endless, we will always want more. It is also fruitless because every time we give that desire the power to control how we feel, it will inevitably fail us and the real long lasting happiness we sought is nowhere to be found.

Today I was reading my devotions in 1 Timothy 6 and these verses caught my attention.

^"6But godliness with contentment is great gain. ⁷For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. ⁸But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that."

Being content with only food and clothing seems a near impossible task in this culture where advertisements and the media draw thick lines between how much stuff we have, the reputation we have, the job we have, the people we know, the person we date and how happy and satisfied we will be.

However once we understand that we do not deserve anything and that we have been given everything we have contentment is found.

This summer has been hard to adjust to because I love to be with people, go places, and do ministry all the time. I also hate my manager, feel so mistreated at work, and get paid very little.

But God has been teaching me to be thankful that I even have a family, friends and a job. He is showing me that without all the free time I have I would never be able to accomplish the goals I set for the summer which were a.) growing spiritually (which requires time spent in the word and in devotion) b. growing musically (which requires time spent practicing my instrument) and c. growing physically (which requires time spent at the gym).

God is good all the time. I repeat ALL THE TIME GOD IS GOOD. *I feel like saying that in a black church right now* Instead of wanting what this world offers me, which will only last in this short worldly life and has no significance in my eternal life down the road, I need to want more of Jesus. I need to want to become a better person, to endure hardship and build perseverance, to be tested and tried for my faith.

The good thing is, I do want these things. I also want to see Jesus brought into the lives of all of those around me even if they clearly see him in my life for but a moment. But the bad thing is that my fleshy desires often scream louder than my Godly ones sometimes.

The solution to muting those bad boys: Learning to find contentment in every situation and circumstance by recognizing that Jesus is the only one who will satisfy and everything I have been given is in the words of JJ Heller

"Not mine anyways"

Hope this helps,

Tess

Do I look 17?

The other day I was getting on the bus and I handed the driver $2.50. She looked at me and said "No No Sweetie! It's only a 1.75 for you!" Me: "I'm 20" Her: "Oh well I thought you were 17" Me: "Nope!"

Ever since I was a little girl I have wanted to go to Africa. There is this deep desire in my heart to go be a part of the culture I have found so fascinating. The overcoming joy and passion that I see in their faces as they worship and praise the Lord is something so divine, something I know that comes from their simple relationship with the Lord.

It seems that the opportunity has come up for me to go next year. I think I will do it. I think I will go for 3 months and serve.

There is still alot of stuff I need to figure out and sort through but I know one thing- I am going to AFRICA!!

Summer 2010. A New Beginning.

As the river flows

Your love carries me

Powerful and Strong

Like a current I can't see

When I go adrift

and turn my face away

Your grace is the net

that keeps me from harm's way

Oh the fabric of your grace

will never break or fray

I wrote this today as I was sitting on Big Rock (seen in above picture) doing my devotions. At first the waters around me were calm and I could see the bottom. The path to the rock was completely clear. But not a long moment later I looked up and it was raging rapids all around me. The path to the rock was covered 4 feet deep in water! When I tried to get down a girl came across the trail and I cried out for help. I threw my books to her but she didn't catch them in time and they fell in the water. You know how when pages get wet they curl up and stick together? Well that's what happened to the book my music pastor lent to me for my internship. Ugh! But anyways, God spoke to me in that moment of his power and wrath and beautiful grace. If He can easily turn a calm stream into raging rapids by his strength and power what more can he do in my life? I have been neglecting this aspect of his character, His powerful nature, by letting small things in life plant in me seeds of doubt in myself and in what He can do through me.

This summer is different than all the rest. These past 4 summers I was away from home doing non-stop ministry where I was on the go all the time interacting with people about Jesus and serving wherever I could. I spent 3 of those summers doing camp ministry and one interning at Eastside Foursquare church in Seattle. I was doing what I love to do most, helping others learn to love Jesus more.

This summer is different because I am not away from home and I will spending alot of it alone during the day. I work in the evenings and have the days free and most of my friends do the opposite. Because I love to be out with people all the time it has been hard for me to adjust. I have become so used to always having so much to do in so little time that having lots of time and little things I need to do feels foreign.

Having an open agenda however is a beautiful opportunity to spend the time I have so desperately yearned to spend with my Saviour. In the quietness I am learning to fall in love with my best-friend once again. There is a real living lover of my soul named Jesus out there who is pursueing my heart and wants to grow closer to me. I think its good that I take a step back from ministering to others this summer and really let Jesus minister to me. This year has been so busy that it was rare that I ever got a moment to relax in His presence and let his word penetrate my heart.

This summer will be life-changing just has the others have been but in a new way. I will leave behind the insecure, doubting, anxious Tess and emerge confident in the plans God has for me, in the message He has called me to give to the world, and in deeper heart knowledge of how Big and Great and Powerful He is.

Bread to my spirit

I printed out a bible reading plan that will take me through the entire bible in a year. It's posted on my wall and every time I do a daily devotion I will cross off one of the days. I've only done two so far but have already seen the fruit of the word grow in me these past couple days.

I think that recording the main lessons I've learned from each one will be helpful and wise reminders for the future. So if you see one sentence blogs they are most likely the theme of my devotion for the day.

Here are the two I have already done.

1.) Before you seek his counsel be prepared to obey it. 1 Kings 22

2.) Real patience is found when it is tested again and again but still endures. 1 Timothy 1:16

Bumble-bee Humble-bee Humble-me

I've realized now that humility is not a frame of mind or a state of being. It is an attitude that acknowledges that God has given us everything we have and without him we would be nothing, our lives would mean nothing.

1 Corinthians 3:7 "So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth."

I'm going job hunting tomorrow I think! I'm nervous and really need wisdom about how to handle the difficult situation I'm in with my old job.

God please help me. May I be aware that you are with me in every moment, in every min of every day, in every interview. Give me confidence in the beautiful person you have made me to be. Amen.

Let it be. Let it be. Let it be.

Jesus I pray that you would provide me with a decent paying server job at an organized restaurant with good hours. If its something else then you will open up the door! You have told me many times that I need to stop worrying about not finding one because you know exactly what I need. Help me to trust.

Thanks, Sincerely your daughter

Outward focus.

Today I went down to the lake beside my billet's house in Nova Scotia and spent some time with God. He reminded me once again of how big his plans are and how little my problems are in comparison. Lately I have been struggling with taking up offence and hurt for gossip said about me. It really affects me, but to the point where I believe it. God is reminding me that I do not need to dwell on or believe what others say about me behind my back, he is the one who will judge all hearts in the end, including my own. Instead of trying to please others on this team, I need to try to please God first. I can't be perfect but I can try my best to serve God wholeheartedly with all my actions. As soon as I stop worrying about pleasing others the pressure is off, God gives grace to those who ask and he will smile down upon me even if I mess up or make mistakes sometimes. Jesus I want to be more selfless so I call upon you to transform my heart, fill it with joy, and make even the difficult tasks pleasurable.

This is not about me. It never has been. So why am I focusing so much on what I want to be and am not?

Turn my focus outward towards you once again. May your kingdom come, your will be done, in my life as it is in heaven.

Tess

More excerpts from Tour.

This past week has been really hard on our team. Tour has reached a point where we are starting to get frustrated with each other and with the things that come along with tour such as the long van rides, fast food runs, no privacy, little sleep, and spending every day with the same people. Our attitudes have been tested many times and we have not always passed the test so positively.

The need to die to self is only increasing and many of us are struggling with giving up and surrendering things to serve others that we haven't had to before. But it is necessary in order for us to function in unity with one another and it is a difficult lesson we are learning.

I mentioned to one of my friends a week or so ago that I might want to speak but I was terrified. Turns out he told the Tour leader who then asked me if I would do it because he thought I was capable. It took me a few days until my hesitation ceased and I finally agreed. As I planned my sermon I could not find an illustration or analogy to use so I prayed for one. Right there my prayer was answered and I knew what I would use. My message was based on the verse John 13:34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” I chose this verse because it was simple enough for kids to understand but also challenging for adults as well. In the first part of the verse it talks about loving one another as God has loved us. I used the famous 1 Corinthians 13 "Love is patient, Love is Kind." to explain that in order to have unity we need to be able to give the same sacrificial love that Jesus gave to us. In the second part of the verse I explained that Jesus tells us that people will know that we are his disciples, we are followers of him, we are his children by the way that we love one another. This is the illustration I received during prayer...

Growing up doing music was something that I was extremely passionate about. Music gives me the opportunity to communicate some of God’s truth in a way that words cannot. It expresses passion and emotion and reaches into our hearts. Each instrument makes a different sound and contributes its own voice. In the same way we are each given a different voice, a different mix of giftings and strengths to share God's love with one another. In this way our love is like a song that goes out into the world and sticks in peoples heads and hearts by the thing we say and do. However just like in a band even if one instrument is off timing or out of tune it messes up the whole mix. (I got the music team to play the chorus of How He loves with the guitarist and pianist playing out of key to visually illustrate this) Whenever we gossip, or boast, or are rude, and self-seeking (we do what we want first before others) it is like a wrong chord or an out of tune instrument and it affects the whole mix; it affects all of those who love God and doesn’t give a message of God’s love.

When I spoke the message this thurs a few funny mess up's happened but I think it went pretty well for my first time. The hard part came afterwards when I said something to someone else and realized that I wasn't practicing what I had preached in that moment. A whole deeper level of conviction comes along with preaching and it really challenges you to live out exactly what you tell others to live out. I'm not sure if I am going to speaking more but I am glad that I got the experience.

Tour is testing me and teaching me to be a more patient, humble, and kind person but it is good and I am glad :)

We leave PacificLife for Cranbrook B.C tomorrow, then to Montana on Wednesday. I'm not sure I will sleep tonight because I am THAT excited =)

1st Unity Lesson Learned. Communication not Isolation.

Tonight was our first tour performance. We tried to capture the laughs of each moment as we entered our squished 10 passenger van with anticipation for the moment to come. Things were fun, we made many silly jokes about mis-pronounced lines (ahem personable) but behind the scenes a tension started to grow in the little sarcastic comments inserted throughout conversation.

Our first show went great, except for the few medias errors Rob claims were a "test". The real greatness of it all in regards to our team however did not coming during the performance but afterwards in my opinion.

I'm going to be real honest right now because I know alot of people will identify with me. At the beginning of the preparation for this tour I started to believe I wasn't needed and wouldn't be accepted. I'm just a backup singer with a few lines I thought, what good do I have to contribute? I let that lie precede the truth that I had a very important spiritual and emotional role to play in that team that no-one else could. The key to my problem lay in this though, I didn't want people to know I felt that way so I mostly just kept it to myself. My lips were sealed. Tonight after ministry time it flooded to the surface when I saw the other four girls praying together and felt like they didn't even care or notice that I wasn't with them. Lie #2. (they had looked for me when they started the prayer but I let my self-pity get in the way and told myself that they hadn't even remembered me.)

Tears fell down my face but I wiped them away quickly. The rest of the team will think I'm insecure and weak if I tell them I feel this way though. Lie #3.

I isolated myself from the socializing afterwards and sat in the van listening to the loud conversation but not participating. The lies inside of began to grow even more. Now I was actually creating the situation I was trying to avoid. I knew that I had to speak out and share how I was feeling or things would get worse.

So I rallied up the girlies and sat down and communicated exactly how I was feeling. Turns out they were all feeling similar things. We may not speak or play or sing like someone else but each of us is important and we wouldn't be able to do the tour without each other. We addressed the harmfulness of sarcastic comments and cutting each other down. The tongue is a powerful tool used to communicate. It can be used to communicate two things, love or resentment. We should spare our tongue when the comments will not build someone else up. However this does not mean that we should stray away from conflict or avoid it all cost. Bringing up conflict and issues we have with one another in love often builds in each other humility and character. A fear of offence is not biblical. In fact Jesus was anything but scared of offense (we see this when he turns up the tables in the temple). As long as it is done in love, and we are willing to accept the a word of correction ourselves, communication about these things will bring us closer together.

Proverbs 10:17
17 He who heeds discipline shows the way to life,
but whoever ignores correction leads others astray.

Isolating ourselves from conflict and not talking about our feelings to each other is often what causes division. People begin to pity themselves and start thinking false things about others because there has been no communication.

When all five of us began to open up and share about where we are struggling, repent together and encourage each other in our strengths we began to see real Godly unity being birthed. Those who are strong are not able to help those who are weak if they don't know whats going on, if there is no communication and lots of isolation.

I have a feeling I know exactly where I am supposed to go next year...but part of me isn't ready to believe it or trust in it just yet.

moving forward.

Dear God

I feel like a blind man

walking into the future

I cannot see

Dear God

I know you have great plans

Your holding the blueprint

of my history

I don't want to sound cliche

but there's no other way to say

I know that you will catch me when I fall

I know you'll be the light that guides my way

And if I make mistakes and disobey

Your grace never lets go

I am called.

Today in chapel Josh talked about how calling changes everything. He shared the story of Moses and the burning bush and spoke about how God calls most people in their alone time spent with him. Thus we can often get in the way of our calling by not making time to spend time with God and listen to him about what he is speaking into our life right now. We can get distracted by the other things which seem to be important but really aren't instead of focusing on the things that God has told us we are called to.

At the end of the sermon he asked those of us who remember being called to reflect on the first time we were and to look at our lives now, asking the question, Am I walking in the calling I recieved?

I have never written down my calling story, I'm not sure why, probably because it was so much better to tell in person. But I am going to now. I want to remember it for years to come because it changed my life. Drastically.

I am going to start from Grade 11. This year was probably the toughest year for me in terms of walking away from God and surrendering to temptation. I experimented a bit with alcohol, swearing, going to party's, dancing dirty at school dances etc..yet I was still going to youth group at the time. In some way I felt that what I was doing was justified because my parents had protected and suppressed me for so long.

In my second semester English honours class I had an intimidating teacher who was very strongly against christianity. He would insult religion and especially christians ranting about how they were brainwashed into believing some fairytale in front of the class constantly. He would take verses out of the bible and twist their meaning saying that they were only stories and were not to be taken literally. I remember him saying that "those who fall away from their faith, usually fall the hardest." and thinking to myself that he was definitely a subject of his own words. Now this guy was a big blonde german professor with scary facial expressions and whole lot of brains, whenever he would beg someone to argue against him I was terrified. There was no way that I could ever speak without him humiliating me in front of the class. I remember going to the bathroom in the middle of one of his rants and crying my eyes out because I was so confused and offended by what he was saying. Everything inside of me yearned to be able to speak out and prove that this Jesus I believed in was not just a story, but I didn't know how.

My Grade 11 year was filled with a life's climaxes of hard times at home and the start of a process of discovering who I was, what I believed, and what I wanted to do with my life. I participated in a science-coop program where we had to do a 3 week practicum. I did mine at an animal hospital and left thinking that I wanted to be a veterinarian.

I entered the summer as a doubt-filled and confused Christian. Was this God I believed really real? or was he just a story like my teacher said? In the 6 weeks I spent working at Timberline ranch God proved himself to me over and over. I made a decision at the end of the summer to never live a lukewarm life for him ever again.

This decision changed everything. My Grade 12 year was spent growing in my relationship with God and learning how to live fully for him when I was surrounded by people who weren't. As my relationship with him grew I found the faith to share him with some friends and stay strong in the midst of temptation. After my graduation I thought I would go to Uvic sometime in the next year and study science. I applied for the school, paid the application fee and got accepted.

I went back to Timberline in the summer, this time to participate in the 11 week bursary funded program called S.W.A.T. My roomate was none other than Joleen Harder, a Pacificlife Bible College music program attendee. One night when we were talking about our schools it struck me that I had always had a desire to go to bible college. Her program sounded super cool and I thought about it, but didn't seriously consider it. yet. As the summer went on I kept feeling this call, this pull to go to her bible college. I'm sure you can see where this is going. So I asked God "If I'm supposed to go to this bible college then what am I supposed to study?" I mean I liked missions, I liked youth, and I liked music. It was hard to decide. On week 7 I left the camp to attend and sing at my aunt's wedding. After the reception and late into the evening this young woman who I did not know came up and complimented me. Even though she was terribly drunk, God was speaking to me through her. As she was telling me that I should pursue my singing and that I had an amazing gift God was telling me that he gave me that gift to bring him glory. I knew in that moment God wanted me to study music and that I was going to do it at Pacific Life Bible College.

What I didn't know was that it was what he wanted me to pursue with my life..but I'll get to that. So a few weeks go by once I'm back at camp and I'm still having a difficult time setting this decision in stone. It happened so quickly and my parents don't really have a clue. So I end up sending in the application for plbc a week before classes start and receiving an acceptance letter 3 days later.

After my parents said yes, (they were a bit surprised but agreed) the question wasn't am I going to this school? what I am studying? but became how am I going to pay for it? I found out that all my scholarships from highschool would work for Plbc except for the single biggest one from CoastCapital worth $2000. To CoastCapital, Plbc was not an accredited school. When my mom phoned in a second time to ask if they could make an exception something miraculous happened. The man in charge of delegating the scholarships was on a vacation to Italy and a woman was in his place. She thought I deserved the scholarship and said yes with a comment like "If the (other guy) comes back and says no, there is nothing he can do about it because I've already ok'd it." Now get a load of this. If that wasn't enough, all the scholarships I received, plus the half tuition my parents paid covered my whole first year almost to the dollar.

(I found out my second year that I was not eligible for student loans) so I probably wouldn't have been able to go to school if it hadn't been for God providing that scholarship.

My first year at Plbc was life-changing. I learned so many valuable lessons and grew in my relationship and knowledge of God so much. I realized that I was exactly where I was supposed to be and that proclaiming God's truth through music and in ministry was something I wanted to do with my life. In the summer afterwards I did an internship down in Seattle for 11 weeks. I got to serve in all the different areas of the church and loved it. I remember asking God to confirm that I was where I was supposed to be once again but feeling like I wasn't getting an answer. A couple weeks before my internship ended I counselled at the Seattle district foursquare highschool camp. It was a life-changing week for my girls and for me that was filled with many tears and laughs and God-not-coincidences. I wanted to go to this Holy Spirit workshop since the beginning of the week but it conflicted with counsellor meetings. One day I was really struggling as I felt that I didn't get words or pictures or visions for people from God but wanted to. As I was praying with a friend the man who leads the workshop walked past and invited me to come help at his workshop. Now you gotta understand that all these things that I was struggling with were what people who helped at the workshop functioned in. I agreed reluctantly and went to the workshop the next day. As the leader, Matt, stood at the front asking those who wanted to experience more of the Holy Spirit to stand up I knew that I was one of them. During our prayers one of leaders who I had never met before in my life came up to and spoke words over me that I will never forget. At first he spoke words of worship and joy over me. He told me that I had a beautiful heart of true worship and an amazing joy that came from God. Then he told me that I was called to sing. I started bawling. There was no way in the world that he could have known that, it was absolutely from God. I hadn't sang at all in front of people earlier in the week and worship was always so loud that you couldn't hear anyone. I had never even seen this guys face before apart from this workshop. He continued telling me that he saw a vision of me singing in front of a huge crowd of people and wearing this huge amount of joy. Then as he went over to the next person the other leader (Matt) who hadn't overheard any of his words over me came up and told me that I was supposed to sing a prophetic song right there in the middle of the workshop. I did it. Then Matt came over to me again and sent me to pray for this girl. I didn't even know her but yet as I was praying God was showing me all these things about her past, her home life, and lies that had been spoken over her. She was sobbing into my arms as I prayed for her. I remember feeling so alive and thankful that God had used me to speak to her his words of truth.

For the rest of the week God was giving me words and visions for people left right and center. It was scary stepping out in them because what if I had heard wrong? but everytime they were confirmed.

As I am writing this I realize how clearly God was working in my past to bring me to where I am now. Each of the circumstances I have been through has shaped my dreams today. I have dreams to give youth the tools to defend their faith. I have dreams to see Jesus heal broken hearts, communicate truth, and bring those wandering away from Jesus back to him through music. I have dreams to raise up uncompromising leaders who are passionate for Christ and so much more.

There is only a few more weeks left of my second year at Plbc. I am graduating soon and not sure where I am going afterwards. But I know this one thing. God's got an amazing call on my life. I need to hold onto the promises he has given me and not let myself get in the way anymore.

Tess

two-zero and I am no hero

I'm gonna be honest. Turning 20 really did make a big difference. I'm a little excited but also a little afraid of not knowing what is going to happen in these next ten years of life. I mean I'll be waiting on God to lead me to make all the big decisions that will be upcoming like marriage, career, kids, house etc but it's a little crazy that they will probably occur within the next decade of my life.

I feel like an adult sometimes, but I also feel like a dependent. It a weird "caught in the middle" kinda feeling. In some way turning 20 has made my entry into adulthood definite, there is no turning back.

Lately I've been going through a pretty difficult period of discovering (once again) who I am. Who am I as a woman? Who am I as adult? Who am I as a daughter of the king? It's a hard process because the flaws and the part of selfishness inside of me is being revealed, laid on the table to be eliminated. I can't go on trying to pursue the dreams God has given me if I don't even believe in myself.

God I pray that you would show me who I am in your eyes. Give me the wisdom, perseverance and desire to strengthen the areas I am weak. I will place my confidence for the rest of my life in you alone. Amen.

I hate myself right now.

But its going to be alright.

God loves me so much more than I could ever love myself.

I am a beautiful creation.

I am forgiven.

I am His.

Tess

Time is quickly passing

Her heart races

She knows the day is coming soon

She will not be locked up safely anymore

It's execution at the stake

She will be devoured by refining fire

So I'm saying my final goodbyes to Negative Nancy.

Goodbye!

The circumstances are ugly but I commit to doing exactly as Paul says.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus

I'll get through this.

He's preparing me for good works ahead!

Tour is fast approaching and honestly I am getting more excited with every day that brings me closer to it. The main theme of it this year is unity, unity among the body so that we can act as Christ's hands and feet in the world.

We are tackling issues such as pride, comparison, feeling insufficient and out of place, jealousy, vanity, gossip but bring the general message that we each have significant roles using our different giftings and personalities to bring the kingdom here to earth.

Lately I've been finding that God is working on those exact same lessons in me. It's kinda funny how he often teaches us first before he sends us out to teach others. A few posts back I wrote a poem about pride and jealousy. This past week I've been dealing with finding my place in the group. I've been letting the lie "they don't really need me." to hinder my confidence and discourage me. I mean, I'm only a singer and I don't have a very big drama part so what use could I be. I know its wrong and I am battling against it right now. God has a very specific purpose for me in this group that I may not be able to understand or see right now. I can do things for him that no-one else can. I have known for a long time that God has planned to do big things through me and in me on tour so I need to hold onto that and not let comparison *ahem yet another lesson* with others on the team make me feel useless.

My only desire for this tour is to see people healed, restored, convicted, and sent out to be vessels of Christ's love to each other and to the world. How God is gonna use me to help do that? I have no clue, but I will trust him along the way.

Tess

He will be worth the wait. I just know it.

Tess

My God is a God who Provides!

If you would have asked me in January how I felt about the fact that I would have to pay for more than half my school tuition, tour team, phone bills, transit, food, and almost everything else in the next 4 months I would have told you that I was scared silly. I mean wouldn't anybody be?

Approx 3 grand is alot to make in 4 months while doing full time school and part time ministry too.

I battled with my financial status constantly- letting worries consume me-and my security be founded in each paycheck that came.

I was a wreck. Many tears were shed because I was overwhelmed and overworked. Ask my life-group- they know haha.

But yet in the midst of it all I felt God's voice reaffirming me that he would provide over and over again. Everytime I placed a bill into the offering plate I saw it as a way to show God that yes, I trusted him with that which I seemed to be so in need of.

I remember feeling so convicted when asked to test God with my finances- to give so much that I would be completely reliant on him to come through.

Malachi 3:10 "Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it."

I have never been able to give as much as I have in the past 2 months before! Its like the money just disappears out of my hands and reappears before I notice.

Now I stand before you with my school tuition paid in full, 1000$ saved for tour team-that includes 400$ spending money, money for necessities, and loads more money to give!! I have worked hard for it, but no doubt God has provided for me in miraculous ways.

I want to encourage you who are struggling financially or just having trouble letting go of the money you have been entrusted with to give more than you ever have before. Trust that God just as God has provided for me, he will provide for you too! Don't let worry or discouragement or comparison steal your joy, use this time to show boldness and confidence that he will come through.

My God is so big so strong and so mighty theres nothing my God cannot do for you!

Tess

Its funny to me that about 90% of my blogs are written past 10pm haha.

I think I found the face of my future husband tonight. Only problem is we haven't officially met. haha.

Want to know something kinda-but not so secret about me? I have a huge weakness for beautiful blue eyed brown haired musicians.

Tess

One piece at a time.

Pride is like a pair of shades

Makes you see life in a different way

I’m better than them I’m better than this

I deserve what’s best I don’t deserve this

I’m fine without that I’m strong enough on my own

They may need it but I sure don’t

Jealousy is like a pair of tight jeans

You start walking in life uncomfortably

I wish I had that I wish I had him

Why does she get it all while I’m left with this

What used to cause contentment

Now serves to cause resentment

if happiness is founded on earthly things you’ll soon be affected

I’m seeing new things I’ve never seen

About the hidden things inside of me

Your tearing away the disguise

One piece at a time

Some people have life so easy it seems. School is paid for, they don't have to work, they have lots of time for a social life and to go enjoy the adventures of life, and their family gets along. They also have time to give. Thats what I long for, if I could I would just drop my job right now and go serve for the Olympics every single day.

I'm trying not to envy them but its extremely hard. God why am I in this situation? I guess I just gotta count the blessings I do have and keep trusting that he will use this difficult situation in some way to bring himself glory.

Because its not about me is it.

Tess

My Annual Singleness Blog :) hehe

Well..its 12:00am Feb 14. Valentines Day :) Single again but completely content with it.

I'm celebrating the one who is LOVE and all that encompasses it. Spending my whole life being single is a blessing I think. I'm learning to please God with my whole self before I learn to please someone else too. I was listening to a seminar on Christ centered relationships by Francis Chan (author of crazy love) and his wife Lisa Chan, they talked about what it really meant for a relationship to be "Christ centered" and how marriage should come under the perspective of the greater call of God. There are so many greater things than spending our time fighting or arguing for "what we deserve" or "our rights". Really, our marriage is only temporary, it is a covenant of God and something treasured by him, but it will pass away just like other earthly things and should not be idolized.

I'm excited to get married someday don't get me wrong but I know I'm exactly where God wants me to be right now. There are alot of things in the near future that God has called me to that I know I could probably not do if I was in a relationship right now, such as serving in Africa for 6 months for example.

Its extremely hard sometimes being single, my flesh longs for that earthly love, but God gives me the strength to turn that desire into a desire to please him each time. Being single is teaching me patience and perseverance. It is also teaching me to find my identity and first love in the Lord. I pray for my future husband every so often, and when I do, I pray that he would be learning these things too.

Tess

Running Freely in Grace

Lately I have been so lost for words at what to write down on here. There are so many things going on in my life that I can't find the time or the zeal to blog much anymore.

The life has been sucked out of me, by the frantic mix of my job and school, by the expectations of my family on me, and the expectations I've had on myself. I've been broken, my spirit's been pushed down by the burdens that come from trying to pay for school, change my family, and become a better person, all on my own. I honestly don't know how I expected to see transforming change in my life without actively seeking God through time spent in devotion with him.

Today I had a friend share a vision for me. It was exactly what I needed to hear and God's direct way of telling me to give these burdens over to him to handle. She told me that she saw me as a horse carrying baggage like a pack mule, working so hard and feeling so tired day after day. She told me that God doesn't see me that way, he sees me as a wild stallion running free in his love. I need to let him be the one who takes the reins and breaks me for his cause.

I started weeping in astonishment because that is the EXACT same vision God gave me as a child. To give you some background I will read to you and excerpt from an journal entry written a year or so ago.

"I saw my spirit like a stallion! In Flicka and the Black Stallion the horses were so wild and free but there was always someone or something trying to break them. My parents have tried to break my spirit but I have never let them. I made a vow as a child to never let that happen.

Lord I pray though that you would break me. I've realized that you've given me that spirit and fire for a reason- to proclaim your name to those who feel hurt and lost- broken by the world."

God kept repeating the six words "lean not on your own understanding." over and over again to me this morning. I know that its what I have to do to be released into his freedom again, to be broken for his cause, not broken under the baggage of the world.

So this is my prayer.

Dear Father,

I stand broken by the world and taking its baggage onto my shoulders again. I stand letting the things of this temporary earthly life take priority over spending time with you. I cannot change my family, I cannot change myself, and I cannot know your heart without the fullness of deep relationship with you.

God I know that the only place I find true freedom is in your love and grace. I commit to doing whatever it takes to make time for devotions and a sabbath.

I'll hand you the reins, I'll run free in your grace, I'll learn to love you all over again.

Tess

the thing that kills me is not that I am the weak link sometimes, its the wish that I could be a strong link so I could help the other weak links get stronger too.

Wise Choices + Time with Jesus = I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Full time School = 5 days a week

Early morning rides = waking up at 5:45 everyday

Working at a high stress job to pay for school= 5 nights a week

Middle School youth leader = 1 night a week

Music Internship on Horizon = 1 night, 1 morning a week

Total Results = Little sleep, No Social Life, No Sabbath

Somethings gotta change real soon...

Cause I can't live this way anymore.

God help me to make choices that honour you.

Yours Truly, Borderline - Burnout

Im trying not to feel defeat, gotta get on my feet again.

Slain by the words of my enemys

Im feeling defeated

Father undo these lies

standing in the picking order

will I be last?

other valient soldiers so much stronger than I

stand before me

will these dreams ever come to pass?

I feel so insufficient and torn down

Use my weakness to show your glory

guide my heart and mind so I can triumph over this

I need you.

Take this fragile heart of mine

and mend the pieces

Take these meager lips of mine

and help them speak your truth

Take this seed of faith in me

and grow it into a tree

The gates of hell will never prevail

because your love never fails.

Tess

where will i go from here?

Hebrews 11:8 By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later recieve as his inheritatnce, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.

This year I will follow the example of Abraham. Even though I have no clue where I am going or what I will do I will be obedient and in faith say "Here I am Lord, Send me!"

I will look to this verse for encouragement and motivation. I was challenged by a Godly woman to choose a life scripture for this year. I now challenge you to do the same!

Write it down, post it on your blog, paste it on your bedroom wall, put it somewhere visible! and watch as your year is shaped by God's truth as you follow it.

Tess

READ THIS! Mentored by the Master

Today as I was reading the Divine Mentor by Wayne Cordeiro one thing really spoke to me. Its worth reading and a few min of your time so keep going.. DONT STOP! I spent a long time typing this out.

"Some time ago I took a class in jazz guitar at a local community college. Our excellent instructor taught us scales and chords that we would play together as a class. But one student was a little slow. Often the teacher would interrupt his lesson with "Hold on, class," and he would alk over and individually instruct until the student learned to turn his guitar around, tune it correctly, and play the chords. This student basically held up the progress and speed of the our class. I really could have felt impatient about the whole situation, except for one fact.. I was that student.

Now imagine if the legendary jazz guitarist Joe Pass had taught the class. When we finished for the day, suppose he approached me (the slow one) and said, "Wayne, I see a hint of promise in you as a young guitarist. I see some real potential. And I'd like to give you a choice: You can either remain in this once-a-week class, or I can meet with you every day for an hour. I will mentor you personally in jazz guitar. What do you think?"

Which do you think I would choose? Do you imagine I'd even need to mull it over? Not a chance!
I would instantly opt to be mentored by the renowned artist. I would say, "You tell me the time, and even if its 2:00 am, I'll be there." What an honor that would be.
No more than a week later, I suspect, someone would hear me play, stop in their tracks, and say, "Where did you learn that?"
"Oh," I'd explain, "I took a class at a community college."
They'd look at me sideways and reply, "Well, you may have, but that's not where you got that."
"What do you mean?"
"I can tell the difference. You didn't just take a class. Your phrasing, breathing, intonation, and voicing-I recognize those! That's the way Joe Pass plays. You don't get that from generic class instruction. You've been with the master. That's the only way you could learn to play that way."
And I'd admit it. "Yes, your right. For the last year, I've been learning daily from Joe Pass himself."

There's a big difference between taking a class and being taught by the Master.

When you make daily devotions a habit- when you sit with the Spirit for at least forty minutes a day- a scenario like the one I just played out can actually happen to you. It won't be a year before you're sharing a prayer from your journal or describing an insight, and someone who's listening will stop you.
"Where did you get that revelation?" he or she will ask.
"Well, I went to Bible college."
"I'm sure you did, but it's alot more than that. You didn't get that just by going to school. You were taught by the Master, weren't you? Flesh and blood didn't reveal that to you; my heavenly Father did!"
What a difference!

The world won't be changed by those who take a weekly class. It will be changed by men and women who sit daily at the feet of Jesus, listening to His Word. Someone will hear you giving advice or offering counsel and they'll instantly recognize that your words have the tone of the Father's voice. They'll identify an authority and a resonance beyone you. And at that moment it won't be only you speaking; it will be the Father speaking through you. You will have actually become His spokesperson.

Father help me to be that spokesperson, to find that time within my day to wait on you and listen for your voice. I realize that speakers, church services, books, videos, and classes can give me valuable insight, but none are paralleled to hearing your voice directly from your Word. I want to overflow with your joy, wisdom and truth; the result of disciplining myself to hear from you each day, sit at your feet and wait.

Tess