Lego castles.

Lately I've been finding it so hard to focus. I'm super frustrated with myself because I'm getting behind and whenever I try to do homework my mind goes a bunch of different places. I'm ancy I can't sit still and I just want to write music.

I want to write music so bad. I know I've been called to it. But I have no freakin clue how to play piano and my guitar skills are quite lacking. I feel like a child who wants to build a lego castle but doesnt even understand how to fit the pieces together in the first place.

I've been trying to learn guitar..I practice it alot..but it feels like I'm moving so slow. Every so often I hear and write a piece of a song and get so excited- but then I can't finish it.

God teach me patience. Help me to focus. I feel so ADD. Argh.

Tess

As the dead leaves fall.

When everything is dying around me I am reminded that the revival of Spring will come again.

Last night during a time of intimate worship during Vespers I repented for placing my hope and joy in my circumstances. These past two months have been harder than I ever thought. I need not tell you the things that have been causing me hardship-but I will instead channel these negative cirumstances into encouragement and joy- and share with you the lesson that God has been teaching me instead.

Ever since the Plbc retreat in September God has challenged me to rejoice in my sufferings. When the speaker talked about the difference between rejoicing in them and just grinning and bearing them- I came to the realization that grinning and bearing in my times of struggle was exactly what I had been doing.

So I thought about how I could get to that point where I could be overflowing with joy even when everything around me was falling apart..Was it simply a matter of a heart change? A constant self reminder that God worked for the good in all things?

I tried and tried in the past two months to get to that point and I somewhat succeeded..but really I was still desperate for a voice of direction from God. Well it came yesterday. After seeking and seeking ..building patience and an passionate desire to hear from him..he showed me simply that my joy had been placed in the hope that my circumstances would get better- it had been placed in the hope that he would intervene and fix everything just the way I thought he would. When the circumstances were good I was good, when they werent, I just felt crappy all the time.

What about finding my joy simply in him? In who he was? In his faithful promises to me?

Focusing on him, declaring his promises, and placing my joy simply in who He is during these hard times is the answer! As soon as my eyes are removed from my circumstances and put onto him I am able to respond with Joyful worship!

I got a picture of a tree in fall with its leaves dying and falling to ground during worship last night. I realized that my life looks like that right now- everything around me is dying and falling to ground. But then I saw that same tree budding with life- with new leaves and fruit, and I was reminded that the Spring of Healing is yet to come -maybe not the way I think it will- but God will not dissapoint.

The Revival of Spring will come again, but in this period of fall I will find my joy in him and nothing else.

Habakkuk 3:17 Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, 18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior.
19 The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer (so I will not stumble), he enables me to go on the heights. (so I can walk up the steep mountains).

Tess

I'm seasoning it with salt.

Lately God had really been breaking my heart for those placed in my life that don't know him. I care about them too much to not tell them anything about him. But see the thing I'm struggling with is...where do I draw the line between sharing my faith openly and being preachy? Its a difficult thing that I know alot of Christians in this day and age struggle with.

I started working at Eastside Marios again after a period of about 5 months which I spent living on dorms and in Seattle for the summer. I am enjoying building relationships with the people who came on the job while I was away and restoring those relationships with the people who I have worked with already. I thank God everytime I am there for the great opportunity to shed some of his light in this restaurant.

Being bombarded with gossip, bad language, and insults from frustrated employees often, I sometimes find it tempting to conform to that negative attitude too. When I share my opinion or try to shed some positive thinking into the conversation it feels like my comments just go in one ear and out the other, so sometimes I just don't say anything or participate. It's definitely frustrating but patience building at the same time..thank you Jesus.

You see the manager who first hired me was a good Christian friend of mine. He gave that restaurant a big dose of salty flavor. When hiring he looked especially for other Christians who could contribute to bringing the love of Christ into that restaurant, and I would say he succeeded, the light of God shined brighter in that place.

This angered people though. They thought that he treated the "Christians" better than them. So now there are a few that have a contempt held against us, a not so hidden grudge.

Seeing as I am one of those"Christians", I feel as if I am walking on really thin ice. I sometimes feel that if I share my faith too much..that they will just shut down, not talk to me anymore, and then talk hate speech to other servers about me. But I also know that letting those few people intimidate me will make me miss out on the opportunities I may get with others.

Each day before I go to work I pray "God please guide my actions, my words, and my attitude so that it may reflect upon you. Help me to know when to share and when to listen, and to show genuine love to everyone." I know that ultimately it is his workings that will transform people, and that the best I can do is be a willing vessel for sharing the love I've found in him.

I've decided that the best way to share my faith with those who don't know Jesus is too simply follow his leading, and what he is prompting me to do or say at the time. To share my faith means I don't let opportunities pass me by because I'm intimidated. To share my faith means listening and not always speaking. To share my faith means building trust. To share my faith means to accept that my opinions are not always going to be agreed with. To share my faith means to not underestimate the power of testimony. When non-Christians and Christians alike hear the word "Preachy" they cringe inside. Why? In my opinion its because it implies a forceful pressing of beliefs upon someone and in our democratic western culture we have "free choice"..well guess what? hearing the message of Jesus is convicting and thats why it can be uncomfortable to listen to- but the truth is we are never forced to believe it or even follow it- we still have that "free choice". So instead of letting that fear of being too preachy hold you back from sharing what you believe with those in your circle of influence (Yes! God put you there for a reason!)- go for it!

Just as it says in Britt Nicoles new song,

Don't let your lights go down

Don't let your fire burn out
'Cause somewhere, somebody needs a reason to believe
Why don't you rise up now?
Don't be afraid to stand out
That's how the lost get found
The lost get found

Colossians 4:5-6

⁵Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. ⁶Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.

I'm gonna season it with salt BABY!!

I'm in the Ring.

Life is hitting me hard. With every punch it takes I will stand Strong for nothing can bring me down when I have you.

Giving Thanks a New Perspective.

As I was about to board the bus yesterday to go to work. A homeless man came up to me and offered a few coats he had found. As I heard his voice I recognized that this was the same man who I had already talked with a whole bunch in previous times at the busstop. I smiled and asked him if he remembered me and he said yes. I dont remember his name, but he remains in my prayers often. We talked for a while about his daughter and grand-daughter that he goes and visits; he told me he dropped her off at school the other day. As our conversation progressed, he would take a swig of his liquor here and there. I asked him if hes ever thought he could stop drinking. He told me that he had seen others do it but he didnt think he ever could, "Nope!'. The hopelessness in his eyes broke my heart. I encouraged him and told him I would pray for him. We kept talking a bit when all of a sudden he ran onto the road and stuck his middle finger up at a car. It was kinda sad but funny at the same time. Even after the car drove away he just remained there, with a sluggish grin on his face. I asked him why he did that. His response was something like "People always just stare..they never think to just come by and just say hello! hi there! or give a smile, its not hard." ouch- there goes my heart again.

Think about that. How many times have you stared or walked by looking straight ahead in comparison to how many times you have actually taken a few min out of your day to say hello and ask them how they are doing. You know..it makes me angry. It makes me angry that people treat those less fortunate than them like scum on the sidewalk. Yes I understand some of you dont want to give money in fear that they will use it on drugs or alcohol or whatever but regardless could a few min out of your day to say hello and offer a prayer really be such a hard thing to do?

Its thanksgiving and I look at some of the things I have been blessed with. A family who loves me and cares for me even though there is lots of struggles, friends who support me, a relationship with the God of the universe who only does whats best for me, a loyal dog, a guitar to make music, an ipod to listen to music, a whole whackload of clothes, a computer to go on the internet and do assignments to get an education..ha an education.. when I told him I was going to work to make 8$ and hour to pay for my education- he looked at me like even being able to go to work was a blessing. Yes. Yes it is.

At young adults group last night we sang the song "God of Justice". It truly echoed the cry of my heart yesterday and today. Here are the lyrics.

God of Justice, Saviour to all
Came to rescue the weak and the poor
Chose to serve and not be served

Jesus, You have called us
Freely we've received Now freely we will give

We must go live to feed the hungry
Stand beside the broken
We must go
Stepping forward keep us from just singing
Move us into action
We must go

To act justly everyday
Loving mercy in everyway
Walking humbly before You God

You have shown us, what You require
Freely we've received Now freely we will give

Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out Lord

I was given a fresh Perspective yesterday on everything I have to be thankful for.
I did not deserve any of it, the love the freedom and all the blessings God has given me. Grace is being given something we dont deserve and Mercy is when we dont get what we deserve. I have been given both. Freely I've recieved, Now freely I will give.

James 1:17Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

Can we be people of Grace and Mercy? Will we go live to feed the hungry and stand beside the broken?

Move us into ACTION.

I will go? Will you?

I stand before you Whole.

I'm not going to deny that he hurt me. This summer I let him have a little hold on my heart, I let myself be vulnerable, I let myself think of him, and I let myself yearn for something I was not ready for.

I felt like we connected so well, there were so many things I loved about him, and his heart for God was pure and passionate- thats what got me right there. I got a glimpse at what a man with a thirst to serve others looked like. I saw someone else who loved adventure and living life on the edge like I did, someone who saw time as precious and something not to waste on indulging himself in comfortable things.

But you see..his heart was elsewhere, sure he felt the connection like I did, but his heart was still attached to somebody else. God knew that this was true, so he never ceased to keep that thought from fading.

God helped me guard my heart this summer and I am so thankful, and because he did, the small pain will fade away soon.

I have a sensitive heart and I always have- its no wonder I'm a musician :P When I love someone, I love deeply, so it really hurts me if they dont love me the same way. God has helped me to save that deep love and my whole heart for that one person in the future- I am so thankful that he has guided me so that it still remains whole. But another amazing thing about him is that even if we do give some of our heart away he can still completely restore it back to its wholeness once again if we let the things of the past go and build an intimate love relationship with him.

Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

I am glad we had what we had over the summer. Our friendship was good. I wish you hadn't told me that you had feelings for me too..I'll get over this fast..its no big deal..God taught me a lesson..and I think he did to for you too.

Tess

Two pieces of pie with bites taken out of them when put together do not create a whole..Only two whole pieces of pie put together can make the pie complete- and that is beautiful.

Open my eyes to your Perspective

With you there is nothing I cannot do.

As I was listening to Francesca Battistelli today, a talented, passionate, Godly vocalist, I felt the inspiration rising up inside of me. God has given me such big dreams- and it is so easy for me to shove them aside by telling myself that they are too big-that I dont have a chance, that I cannot achieve them, and that I've run out of time. But I know that those are just lies that I tell myself, and yes you bet the enemy uses them for all he can, perverting them to be bigger than they really are.

I know that God has plans for these dreams hes given me. If I give up on them, then I know I will feel like I've somehow given up on God.

I want to inspire, convict, and reveal truth to people through songs I write and sing. I want to help raise up leaders who are willing to take a stand for what they believe in, and go against the grain of the world. I want to see young girls with confidence, identity, and self worth and young men with courage, spiritual strength, and leadership.

These are only a few of my dreams...I have many more. I will not let self-discouragement or my lack of trust in God hinder me from pursueing these dreams anymore! I realize that they are a process- and only God knows what will come to pass- so I dedicate myself to seeking him daily, and working towards the little visions and dreams he is giving me right now.

I wrote this song in about 10 min. It is incomplete (like every other song I've written) and does not have a melody yet. But it will soon ;)

I had my dreams stored away

I put them in my pocket thinking

They were far too big for me

Now you’ve shown me that

I’ve got them for a reason

They are not just for a season

Cause if they were small I could achieve them on my own

But they are getting bigger each day cause I know that with you

There is nothing I cannot do

So Im gonna stop letting people tell me that

Im foolish for hoping, Im foolish for thinking

That there is possibility

Im gonna hold my head up high cause I got you

On my side, and I know there is nothing I cannot do

Oh yea..with you

I will push through the hard times and the good

As I reach higher towards this goal

I will Perservere and stand for these dreams

you gave me to pursue

cause I know the truth, that with you

there is nothing I cannot do

Keep Dreaming! Don't let self-discouragement, peoples criticism or your lack of trust in God stop you!

Tess

Wrecked.

The pieces were put together. They all fit perfectly.

Then a storm came around and blew the puzzle apart.

Now the pieces lie scattered. Not fixable by human hands.

The shapes and colours printed on them have faded, and fresh bright

streaks are painted overtop. The puzzle is put back together- the previous picture of its past will never return.

I thought I had it all together. I let my sinful pride tell me that I could get through anything,

that no struggle was too difficult for me, that I was strong.

Now I lie in pieces. The hardships at home, the financial burden for paying for school while I'm getting paid 8$ an hour, the feeling like all my friends in Coquitlam dont care for me anymore, the frustration of having no time for a social life and only ever doing homework..its all gotten to me, and now I lie in pieces, wrecked.

I met some beautiful girls at camp this summer..they came from an abusive homes and now abusive foster homes. They opened my eyes to true strength.

Man..If i think the things I am going through are hard..and if I am letting them tear me up, then I am not so strong as I thought. I've know that I've had a specific struggle with pride for awhile- and I have asked God to humble me many times. Well here it is-God showing me how weak I truly am without him and yet I am struggling with rejoicing in it.

I have come to the realizations that

1. I am so weak, and I will never be strong enough to get through anything. I will always end up in pieces if I get into thinking that I am strong enough to handle it without God.

2 God is strong. He will be my strength. I CAN get through anything with him.

3 I desperately need him. I am wrecked for him.

I have had to sacrifice so much in this last month and it has been so hard. But God has just revealed to me the solution-found in his strength- and helped me realize how weak I am without him.

Thank you for wrecking me father. I am ready to be repaired. and refilled by your strength. Thank you for the new picture you will paint over this season of my life from this time forward.

1 Corinthians 1:25 For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.

Colossians 1:10-12 And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, 11being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully 12giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light.

Tess