Its OK to feel dissapointed.
Its OK to feel let down.

But how you choose to deal with it..
thats what really counts.

Do you look ahead with hope
or do you sigh with despair?

Can you trust hes got it all planned out
Can you trust that he cares?

Will you perservere through the fire
or be held back by the pain?

Its OK to ask for help
Its Ok to say:

"God I need your guidance
In everything I do
cause without you I am lost
without you I am through
Though I cant see my future
I'll always understand
That through this life, in its ups and downs
you'll lead me by the hand."

Tess

dreams in white.

Written on July 10 09

Up until only a few months ago I used to look at the girls who told me they had their ring and dress already picked out with disgust. (maybe I still do a little bit) I had rarely ever looked in a wedding catalog at dresses and rings and marriage was almost never on my mind.

I resisted the urge to ask them
"Do you even know the meaning of marriage? Do you know that marriage is more than just the ceremony, dress, and ring? That it is a lifelong commitment that requires sacrifice, hard work and serving you spouse? Do you know that love means commitment? It means giving of yourself even when you dont feel like it. It is a constant choice to love that person despite their human errors and mistakes.

I thought they were silly, naive little girls who were already planning out their wedding when they didnt even know what it meant to be in a relationship.

Now I find myself watching "Say Yes to the Dress" and "Cake Boss" with Roberta..and possibly really enjoying them. I find myself looking up bridal gowns online and wondering what mine will ever look like. I find myself dreaming about weddings and even getting nightmares about them.

Last night I dreamt that I was a bride in a pre-aranged marriage. It was my wedding day and I had never met the guy I was getting married to before. I was nervous and worried because I didnt know what he would be like and over a 100 of my friends and family were there for this huge reception. When I started walking down the aisle I saw him standing at the altar for the first time and was horrified. He was only about 5"3 and had short curly orange hair in a ponytail. He had a patchy mexican mustache and a whiny voice. AHHH! I exchanged vows and went through the ceremony..I even kissed him because I didnt want to humiliate him in front of everyone by saying no. At the end I told him I couldnt marry him- broke his heart- and woke up with a big sigh of relief.

I want to know the man I marry..Really KNOW him. I have made a promise to God that I will only enter into relationship with someone I have a solid friendship with first. I want the man I marry to be my spiritual encourager, my lover, and most of all my best friend.

I am realizing that the young spirited girl too mature for her age is dissapearing- and the passionate woman ready to embrace what being independant and serving another person really means is becoming.

Tess

Beating together.

Your timing is always Perfect.

In every moment may my heart beat in synch with yours.

I'm falling fast..
I hope you are too

Taking His Lead.

I'm in a predicament

it feels like the odds are against me

Circumstances do not seem to match up with what my heart desires

On my eyes theres a blindfold

to what my future may hold

In perfect time you speak deep into my soul

"Take my lead"

I will grab onto the rope you pull

even if I cant see where I am going

I need to keep my grip firm and not let go

no matter what happens

You will guide me through this life

and give me all that I need and only the best.

You WILL fulfill all those desires of my heart.

Things won't be easy

No.

They definitely wont be easy.

But as long as you got the lead

I know everythings gonna be alright.

Tess

There are sparks flying in my heart.

My heart explodes with excitement..

it beats faster and faster. Wow.

Is it me or is this really happening?

God you amaze me more and more each day.

I'm not gonna do things my way anymore- but I will hand my life over to you

daily.

Do with it what you will.

Your daughter.

Do you know Him?

Nothing can satisfy me completely like you.

You complete me.

You fill the hole in my heart.

I would be lost without you.

I feel empty without you.

I need you.

When I hear these words being said between couples it makes me uncomfortable. I guess its because I know that a single human being cannot satisfy and fill the needs of someone completely to the point where they need that other person to keep going.

Its because I know that there is someone out there that can satisfy me completely. There is someone that loves me so perfectly that I dont need anything else. And He is the only one who deserves those words.

All girls dream of a love story- they dream of someone who will know her so intimately that he would die for her. That he would love her smile, her laugh and everything about her. He would want to talk to her just so he could hear her voice. He would wipe away her tears and let her know that she was safe in his arms.

They search for him..go to great lengths..and maybe never find him.

I know Him-I talk to Him everyday. He knows everything about me. He is familiar with all my ways. He meets all my needs and satisfys all the desires of my heart. He is not distant and angry but a complete expression of love and it is His desire to lavish that love upon me. He loves me with an everlasting love- one that is unfading, unchanging, unfailing and unconditional. His thoughts toward me are as countless as the sand on the seashore. He sings over me in joy and will never stop doing good to me. I am His treasured posession and He shows me great and marvelous things. He keeps track of all my sorrows and collects all my tears in a bottle. He can do more for me than I can possibly imagine. He encourages me when I am discouraged, He gives me hope when the future seems so hopeless, He comforts me in all my troubles. When I am brokenhearted He is near, when I am angry He is near, when I am full of joy He is near, when I am suffering He is near- in fact He never leaves me. He gave up everything he owned to try to gain my love.

When I was 12 I watched a movie called Whispers. It was about an elephant who got abandoned at birth and then was adopted my another elephant who didnt really want him. She grew to love him and care for him. At the end she sacrificed her life so he would live. I remember sitting in front of the tv with tears running down my face. That was the first movie I ever cried in. In the movies the Coast Guard and Ladder 49 I also cried my eyes out.. why? because both men sacrificed their life for someone else. Isnt that the greatest form of love? Sacrificing your life for someone?

He did that. He sacrificed his life for me and for you..

You fully deserved to die but He loved you so much he died for you.

I know I will never be able to fully comprehend how much he loves me.

Do you know Him? He wants to know you.

He is the ONLY one who satisfys me completely.

He completes me.

He fills the hole in my heart.

I would be lost without him.

I feel empty without him.

All I need is him.

While I long for the man set apart for me..and its so hard to be patient sometimes.. I will wait.

Because I know that He will be the ONLY one who will ever satisfy me completely, wholly, and fully. He will be the only one I will ever need.

Always.

Tess

Flipping through the pages of my journal I am reminded of what God has called me to do this summer. Scribbled across one of its first pages I wrote

"I am here to serve God and this church with ALL MY HEART , doing his good works while growing in faith and character at the same time."

My greatest desire is to listen and submit completely to whatever God asks me to do, and to be a selfless servant to him and others."

And that means even if I gotta do the dirty work ;)

Wow. He is working in me so much.

I am learning how to love people just as God loved me. To always look for the good in them and speak it out, instead of judging them and letting it blind me from getting to know who they really are.

I am learning more about what faith really is.. putting complete trust in a God I cannot see to do things which I cannot do alone, which my mind cannot comprehend, by following it through with action. (a week before I left for Thailand I still needed 1000$- I watched as he provided that amount and more in perfect timing)

Hebrews 11:1Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

James 2:17 In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

He has shown me that I still have some people close to me that I need to fully forgive.

He is giving me a fresh thirst to read his word and pray continually throughout the day.

He is HERE and ALIVE and MOVING strongly in me and those around me.

Tesstimony

Ephesians 2:10 "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

I thought it was finished, done, over.

But it never is.

I can be like a piece of dynamite sometimes. And it seems the only two people that can, always try to light the fuse.

God I cant get rid of this deep pain inside of me alone. I need your help.

Extinguish the burn with your living water. May your peace guard my heart and my mind always.

I will Perservere. Perservere. Perserve.

Romans 5:3

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."

Tess