Prayers from a contrite heart.

God I give it all up.

I need you. I am desperate for you.

Without your intervention I am a lost soul

left to my own devices.

This life is not easy-and you never promised it would be

but you promised you would never fail me

and your promises never fail.

You are a God who never fails,

and I will rejoice in that.

Despite my circumstances you remain good

you sustain me, give me the strength to carry on

and remind me that I have a purpose worth living for.

Your purposes for me are unfathomable

I cannot comprehend the amazing glory you have in store for those who seek you

Jesus you are the center of all I live for

You are the reason for everything good in this world

Everything worth suffering for

Love is not shown when it is easy to forgive

But it is shown when forgiveness is given to those undeserving

I am undeserving.

Thank you Jesus for your amazing Love.

Father I repent for my sins

I repent for my frustration and anger towards you

You shower mercy on me every day

When I deserve your anger and wrath

But yet I pour anger and wrath on you

for things undeserving

Father you deserve my worship, you deserve my praise

I will serve you for all of my days

Because of who you are-

Not because of the things you give me

But because you are Just, Holy, Loving, Forgiving, Merciful,

All-powerful All-knowing and All-present

I will live to make you known.

Amen

I recognize that all of these prayers mean nothing unless they are followed by action.

May I seal them with my deeds.

How long?

It started out casual and ended with a whole lot of tears. A dear friend asked me how I was doing yesterday. Before I knew it I was soaking the carpet beneath me as I fought through conflicted emotions explaining that I felt like God has hid his face from me. I have sought His advice lately and gotten no reply or lead, and I have called out to him for guidance and received none. I feel like God has shut off his cell phone. This is a hard concept for me to grasp because I know that God is always present with me-and even though I feel like he has disappeared His hand is still withholding me and leading me. My friend gave me a new perspective on my situation by pointing out to me that there was a few hundred years of time between the New-testament and Old testament where God didn't speak-and that He uses times like these to cause desperation leading to full dependency. ( A belief/action that demonstrates that I cannot do life on my own!) She also mentioned that periods of waiting and silence often occur right before we are launched into something God has prepared for us to do.

This brought encouragement and thankfulness into my heart. I have tried to trust God and seek him out despite the lack of vision I feel. Vision is something that fires me up and keeps me passionate about doing great things for Him. I had it so strongly last year and believe it is reflected in some of my earlier posts. When I have vision I feel secure in knowing what I need to do next. But that vision is not Jesus-it one of the gifts He gives us to help us walk confidently in his will- but without it I am learning to find my contentment simply in who He is and in joy that I am able to have a relationship with Him at all.

David sums up how I feel in a piece of poetic genius.

Psalm 13

¹ How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
² How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

³ Look on me and answer, LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
⁴ and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

⁵ But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
⁶ I will sing the LORD’s praise,
for he has been good to me.

Tess

I love my friends deeply.

If you see me smiling at you for no apparent reason

It's cause I'm thanking God for our friendship

If you hear me laughing and see the tears of joy well up in my eyes

It's cause I appreciate your humor more than you know

If I go to you with my deep thoughts and feelings

I'm being vulnerable because I trust you

Thank you Lord for friends. Although I may not have many close ones right now, I am so grateful for the ones who continue to stand by me, the ones who do not let distance cause a divide in our relationship. Jesus I pray that you would help me to make more close friends. Bring people into my life who I can be a support and encouragement to. Amen.