Facing the Sting of Pain

We've all felt it and we can all relate. Although physical pain really hurts, the burn of emotional pain usually lasts longer. I remember being scared out of my wits as a child of getting a spanking but as I grew older I began to see spankings as a blessing..when faced with the choice of a couple minutes of sheer physical pain versus missing out on a time with my friends I would take the spanking anyday. I've had alot of pain in my life, pain from feeling like my family didnt know me and saw me as something I was not, pain from friends who I trusted turning their backs on me, pain from the betrayal of those I loved the most. I know we all have.

We each react to it differently. Some of us store it up inside until explodes, some of us wear it on our sleeve, some of us store it in a corner and let it fester until it turns to hate, some of us seek "drugs" to numb it, and some of us try to run away (but it always catches up).

It is what we do with the pain that we feel that determines whether or not that pain can and will be used to help us grow stronger or leave us more bitter than the start. I believe that we feel pain to make us perservere and give God an opportunity to comfort us and offer us strength when we are weak. Ultimately it will be our choice whether we decide to take his help or try to handle it on our own.

The way I dealt with pain was by running away from it and letting it turn to bitterness. I still struggle facing hurts from the past. God is slowly but surely softening my heart. When I allow him to help me, rely on him for guidance, and take up forgiveness all that bitterness sifts away leaving only love. Only with his help can we "Love our enemies" and "Forgive our persecutors".

There are going to be many painful times ahead I know. I also know that as long as I have my father by my side (Hes promised he will never leave me) I can get through it all. I've always wondered why people turn away from God in the times they need him the most. Why it seems they cry out to him in only the most desperate times when there is already so much damage to their hearts that could have been fixed already.

When we allow him, he will transform grief into happiness, pain into love, and erase regret. It takes time, our hearts are fragile and easily broken but he will heal all our pain if we let him. He is in agony and pain from what we've done to him and to ourselves so he understands exactly how we feel.


I'm trading my sorrow

I'm trading my shame

I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

I'm trading my sickness

I'm trading my pain

I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

I'm pressed but not crushed
persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I'm blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure

And his joy's gonna be my strength

Romans 12:12 "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

Colossians 1:11-12 "God will strengthen you with his own great power so that you will not give up when troubles come, but you will be patient. And you will joyfully give thanks to the Father who has made you able to have a share in all that he has prepared for his people in the kingdom of light."

Its an easy trade that by grace we were given. Trade your pain, Trade your sorrows, Trade your shame for the Joy of the Lord.

Tess-tify

Confused ???

Confusion. I'm sure we've all suffered from its painful headache causing effect. When I am confused about something I find myself thinking through it OVER and OVER and OVER trying to figure it out. Sometimes when I do understand it is the most exhilarating thing in the world, but I often dont and feel like I am getting closer to reaching insanity with every waking hour.

Now I'm not really talking about the confusion that results from not knowing the answer to a test question or an important fact. Although I will admit that all throughout my school years and even to this day I still take forever and ever to do tests because I think each question OVER and OVER until I am sure I have searched my brain to its deepest depths. The confusion I am talking about comes from relationship. It comes from relationship with friends, family, the opposite sex and even God.

I have always been an overthinker; I give myself this label without hesitation because I know there have been many times when I have thought about a situation too much just to find that it was solved so simply. I don't know..do all girls go through this as much as I do? I know guys prob dont (one of the reasons I enjoy having them as friends is because they dont do this as much). This special ability of mine to think of things in as many different perspectives as possible has come in handy alot of times but its been a big thorn in my flesh at others. God has given me the gift of discernment in many situations and I have been able to understand and recognize things that others wouldnt normally. I have no ability to do this without him, he deserves all the credit. In many other times though it is my human desire for knowledge and understanding that makes my head overheat.

My mind sometimes races a mile a min, I've mentioned in my other blogs how only God can give me peace in those moments. I'm sure I will have also mentioned that I used to worry alot too, this is why one of my life verses is 1 Corinthians 2:9 (no eye has seen..) it reminds me that the plan for my future is greater than I will ever know and that I have nothing to worry about.

Relationships are confusing, partly because the mind is unknown and will only be communicated if a person wants it to be. There is no such thing as mind reading powers except in comics like X men <3.>

So how do we get through confusion? By having faith and thinking simply like a child. By not trying to figure everything out and realizing that sometimes we just got to wait them through. Just like a child trusts his father to take care of him and doesnt doubt, we need to trust that our father will take care of us.

Matthew 18:2-4 He called a little child and had him stand among them. 3And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

I never truly understood what it meant to have "childlike faith" until now. A child relies on his provider for everything; his life is in the hands of those caring for him. We need to rely on our God for everything even though things will often be confusing. He knows our thoughts, He knows our heart, He knows who we truly are and will only provide the best.

You looked into my life
and never stopped
and you're thinking all my thoughts
are so simple but so beautiful
and you recite my words right back to me
before i even speak
you let me know, i am understood
you're the only one who understands
completely
you're the only one who knows me yet still loves completely

(Relient K-one of my fav bands-Am I understood)


Tessaling <3>

What to blog about? The many things on my heart

So I havent blogged in a while and I miss it ...the only prob is that I dont know what to blog about.

Maybe I could blog about how I miss everyone at school; I miss each of their smiles; I miss each of their laughs; I miss the way we all fit together with our different personalities to make one family; but yet I know that the time we spend apart will just make our reunion so much better.

Or Maybe I could blog about how it is so nice to be on a break, to be able to sit and reflect on the past semester. I purposefully left my days quite empty because I know that I will get to spend even more time talking with my father one on one, no distractions, just me and him.

Or Maybe I could blog about the confusion I'm feeling..this world fails you and me so much. God is my solid rock and firm foundation that will keep me standing when everything else crumbles. My mind may race a million miles a min when I try to fall asleep each night but when I trust he puts it at ease.

Or Maybe I could blog about a little of the anxiety I'm feeling about my future. I know the plan he has is great for me and I know I have been called to bring him glory through music but I dont know how he wants me to do that. I say that I trust he's got it all covered and I do, its just there is still a small part of me that wishes so badly he would reveal some of it to me now.

Or Maybe I could blog about how you and I underestimate God sometimes. His power is so great and we know that, but yet we often doubt that our prayers will be answered, that he will reveal himself to those around us, or even that he is using us. He has shown me countless times how when I trust he works through me, but yet sometimes I doubt it, and he blows my mind with his power!

Or Maybe I could blog about secrecy. This is something that God has been working on with me in the past little while! I love sharing things that hes put on my heart with people or encouraging others with things that I've done but sometimes that is not always best. The pleasure that comes from doing something pleasing to God without anyone else knowing is amazing. One of the students in my spiritual formation class put it as "having an inside joke or secret with God". Think about it, one of the reasons our best friends are the "best" is because they know things about us that no one else knows.

Matthew 6:3-4 "But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."

One of my life verses that has always helped me to remember to go back to God with everything and not try to do things alone is Proverbs 3:5-6

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding 6 in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

Lord please help me to trust in you with all that is in me. Help me to rest assured that your plan is far too great for me to understand. Teach me to lean not on my own understanding but to rely on you in everything. To rely on you for strength, wisdom, peace, and to never underestimate your power. Use me for your will, your good and perfect and pleasing will. I want my life to be testimony to your goodness and my words to glorify you.

Tess-timony

Feeling the Pressure?

Ok so frankly I am getting a little frustrated with this whole Bridal College cliche.

The second I decided to go to Bible College the teasings began.." you know your going to BRIDAL college right?" or "I'm gonna find you a man!" and even now people ask me "have you found yourself a husband yet?"

The answer which gets played out inside my head is this: "People seriously I am not at Bible College to find myself a freakin husband! I came to Bible college because I am following my calling to serve God completely and fully for the rest of eternity, not to search out the man I will marry. If it happens it happens but I will not go out and search for it because of all the hype. "

Not everyone gets married to someone they meet in Bible college! In fact MOST do not. Say that 20% of couples who meet at Bible college get engaged each year. This seems like alot in comparsion to other schools but what about the entire other 80%? People make it out to be a place of divine matchmaking. This brings people whos main purpose is to find a spouse and puts pressure on those who come for the main purpose to grow with God.

I am one of those people feeling the pressure. I came to Bible College because I had been called to music ministry but due to all the hype before, I couldnt help but wonder if I would find my husband there.

This is such a distraction. If we spend all our time trying to figure out who our potential husband could be with the false hope that we will in fact find one there, we end up missing out on the valuable time that God wants to spend with us. I believe Bible College is meant by God to be a place of shaping, fixing, and molding us into the leaders we are called to be.

Sometimes I can feel people screaming from inside " Im almost 24, I need to find a husband before I'm too old, NOW!"

"If I'm twenty then I need to find my husband in exactly 3 years.."

"Why cant I find a guy? is it cause I'm not pretty enough or smart enough. Im running out of time"

I wonder why people are feeling this way.. Christians tend to marry young and the pressure to find a husband by a certain age is strong. The reality is that God does not set time restrictions on us, he will bring that person into our lives when the timing is right. So why should we inflict ourselves with the pain that comes if we surpass the age restriction we set and are still not married?

Purity is a hard thing to wait through and many Christians tend to marry early so that they can be intimate with each other. They do not get married early because they are too old in Gods eyes or the world's eyes. Take a look at Abraham and Sarah!

Stats show that the average age of women in Canada who get married is 31! yes 31! and for men it is 34! I was a little surprised when I read this because I had been surrounded by people with the mindset that marriage is to occur in our mid 20's and even I had started to have that mindset myself!

The reality is it's ultimately up to God to bring that person into our lives, we should not worry about when or how he will do it but just trust that he knows best. It is hard to deny the pressure that people in and outside of school put on us to find our perfect match here. If we seek to find this match then we are just asking for the drama and issues which ensue.

When we focus completely on God he will turn us into who he wants us to be. Once we have given him a chance to do that he will open doors, and who knows? our prince might just walk right in ;)

Tess-tify

Lover of My Soul

My stomach tosses and turns when you call me beautiful. My mind spins faster than a top and my heart pumps against my chest.

My whole being fills with longing for the deep things inside of me only you can satisfy. I cannot contain the thoughts that you would sacrifice everything for me, your child.

I get all jittery knowing that you are always with me and will never leave. Although sometimes it feels like you have left, I know that you never do, and it is me who blocks you out.

I hate it when I hurt you, when I do not listen to what you have to say. It pierces my soul. You lead me into peace with your forgiveness.

You heart breaks for us. Your thoughts are consumed with us. Your crazy for us.

Romans 8:38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I can't even imagine how great your love is for me, everyday I am understanding more. My whole being bursts with joy because you are alive and nothing can ever separate us.

Its kinda funny because whenever I enter the presence of God I am so overcome and overwhelmed with happiness that I cry. Occasionally my thoughts shift to what other people must be thinking, do they think that I am hurt or ashamed? do they think that I must have done something really horrible and am confessing it all to God? do they think this or do they think that.

I worry about what others will think of my tears and it breaks the deep connection I am having with him. Why? because I am focusing on myself rather than on God. In the book I'm reading called Exploring Worship it says that "a worshiper is one whose perspective is being expanded, whose focus is decreasingly on self, and whose interests are flamed by the passion of God himself." This is so true. As soon as my focus moves to myself I am lost.

"The goal for our worship should be that we come to the point where we do not see anyone or anything around us, but we become totally taken up with God."

I will not worry about what others think of my tears but will allow God to consume me, take me in, body, heart, and soul. It is not the opinions of others which matter after all, only Gods.

I encourage you to ignore the distraction of wondering what others may think. Stand before the Lord undignified and offer yourself fully to him.

2 Sam 6:22 "I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes. "

I want to worship with no inhibitions, I will strive to view my tears as a gifts from God rather than a bother. I cherish those times of intimacy with my creator, they fill me with overwhelming happiness and deep insight into who he really is.

Jesus, Lover of My Soul.
Jesus, I will never let You go.
You've taken me from the miry clay,
Set my feet upon a rock, and now I know.
I love You, I need You.

Though my world may fall,
I'll never let You go.
My Savior, my closest friend,
I will worship You until the very end.

Tess-timony <3

The Past Has No GRIP on me!

I have always been a burden carrier, people come to me with their problems and things that they need advice on and I always reach out to support them to the best I can. I find though that I start to feel the pain and worries and confusion that they feel and it just ends up causing my mind, body, and soul to ache for them.

God shouts at me "IT IS MINE TO TAKE!" heck thats why he died on the cross to take our penalty, to take our shame, to take our burdens but I still struggle with completely surrendering them to him. Why do I feel like its my burden to take? Why do I feel like I need to rescue people?

God has wiped your and my slate clean. It was stained with our transgressions but he bleached it for us. The past has no grip on us. The things you and I have done should not continually be eating away at us alive. Sure we can regret the things we've done but we should not let it become another heavy burden to carry.

Ever felt like you had a weight tied to your feet, sinking slowly, gasping for air and reaching for the top but getting deeper and deeper until you feel like it is impossible to get out?

Thats what I feel like when I try to handle things on my own without God's help, like I'm trying so hard to get somewhere I can't.

I held anger for my parents for a long time, hate so deep in my heart that it was barely recognizable. I hated them for controlling me and hurting me so much. Then God showed me the hurt that was stored in their past. The things that their parents had said or done to influence the way that they treated me. He showed me that they hadn't let these things go and that they were still fighting battles within themselves. They are trying to do things on their own but its not working!! I want so badly for them to know that God will heal up these wounds of regret and burdens of their history, hes already paid the price for them. That he will renew them and fill their lives with joy and happiness again, ones that I'm not sure they've ever experienced.

I feel so helpless though. I see the solution so clearly but can only encourage them to seek God for help and be a witness of Gods power. I can't fix it for them! it kills me! I want them to experience the full freedom of Gods grace and forgiveness. I've forgiven them for everything and it has set me free. They have all this regret and anger devouring their souls and their lives, unfortunately I've learned to accept that it gets poured on me.

But I am willing to take this suffering if it means that they will be able to experience God's glory once again. I feel like I have been placed in this family to be a light on their pain. Forgiving ourselves is harder than forgiving others. It is so freakin hard to do. I know that it will be a process for them, that the kind of pain they have is not easily removed, but the first step is asking God for help and admitting that no matter how hard they try they CANNOT do it on their own.

I know he is working in their lives right now, I can tell just by the way my mom gets all teary when she reads my writing or how my dad is starting to encourage me like he never did before.

There is so much that God is doing that I cannot see. I trust though that even while it feels sometimes like things are just getting worse, they are in fact getting better and I just have to perservere through them.

Tess

Relationships !?!

Once again I am writing a blog when I really should be doing hw. darn!

So here is me putting myself out there..

First of all this thing called relationships is all new to me, in fact I would not even consider it to be new at all seeing as I have never been in one. All throughout school I had never really experienced one of those all-consuming crushes that many girls are inflicted with. My friends would tell me this and that about the boy they liked but my answer to the anticipated question "Do you like anyone?" was usually the same. "Not really..". There was one in elementary school and one middle school that I liked longer than a month but most of them were short-lived.

I found myself liking the idea of the guy rather than the actual guy himself. I could picture what people would say about us, what we would do together, how we would hang out and was smitten. Soon this idea would wear off and I would be back to my same original answer.

Now sheepishly I will admit that I am still in the NBK club. (if you dont know what this is then sorry ) When I was 16 & 17 I used to think that something was wrong with me. Sure guys liked me, but my life seemed to be a neverending cycle of rejection. I would reject them and the guys I was interested in rejected me. I sought out their attention and tried to impress them but my attempts always failed. This insecurity was not revealed until a couple summers ago when God showed me what he wanted out of me. He wanted my confidence to come from him and not from Guys.

I used be impatient with God, asking him why he hadn't brought anyone into my life yet.
This is what he told me.

My daughter do not worry. I have made you to be in relationship and will bring someone special into your life when my time is right. You must seek me first above all else "Matthew 6:33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well.", and I will fill all the desires of your heart "Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.". Only when you done this I will bring you the man of your dreams. I am a zealous God and I do not want to be second best. You can get caught up in the love and attention of him and will not seek the relationship you were meant to have with me. Only when I am first in your life and love me more than anybody else will I fulfill all the desires of your heart, the one you long for.

I have learned what that means, to put God first above all else. Although I am still growing, being romanced by him is more satisfying than any man ever could be. He has given me confidence that I am his beautiful creation and his love for me reaches beyond the ends of the earth.

Our identity and who we are in Christ can get lost if we are constantly falling in and out of relationships. God wants us to find our identity in him and I believe it is very hard to do that when in a relationship.

On the letter of wisdom that my youth pastor gave me he told us to try not to date until the age of 21, to find our identity in Christ. Although I am not going to put an age limit on when I will be in a relationship, I will say this, "God needs to be first priority for both sides of the relationship."
Ecclesiastes 4:12 says a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. This cord is a man, woman, and God. The relationship must be founded in God and supported by him to remain strong through thickness and in thin, better or for worse.

Heres a little secret, #1 on the list is that my future husband must love God more than me, and understand that I will always love God more than him. Sometimes it feels funny to watch my friends all enter into relationships and be the one who is still single. I do not mind being single at all because it gives me a chance to grow on my own and discover who I am and who God has made me to be.

I know God will bring that man into my life one day and it will be the most indescribibly amazing thing ever but until then ... I will continue to spend time getting to know my Saviour even more.

Tessaling <3