Flames lick the edges of my heart

burning a Passion

and igniting a Love

for my creator greater than ever before.

Sharing in Weakness.

Before I came on this internship I was feeling discouraged, inadequate, and lost within God's will for me. My previous post echoes the confusion I was feeling with myself and with God.

Admitting these things on a blog often makes me vulnerable and sometimes I come near deleting them, but I choose not to. The reason I choose not to is not because I want people to feel sympathy for me it is simply because I want others to know that they are not alone.

I want them to know that the struggles and difficulties they go through happen to other people too, people like me and people like you. That everyone questions things..everyone feels lost and discouraged sometimes.. It is ok to express your weakness to God and ask him for help.

Paul, one of the biggest characters in the bible, who wrote 13 out of the 37 books of the New Testament admitted his weakness countless times in his books. (see 2 Corinthians Chapters 11:16-13:10)

1 Corinthians 2:3
3I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling.

David, a man after Gods own heart, cries out to God in his despair in Psalms 22

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?
O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent.

We all feel frustrated, abandoned and lost within Gods purpose sometimes. Even the strongest biblical characters have gone through it, and they were not afraid to express it to God.

Even Jesus Christ's final words were (Matthew 27:46) "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

Wow...even Jesus understands this type of confusion, frustration, and pain. He knows what its like to feel abandoned, to feel like all your cries are being ignored, to feel discouraged in Gods purpose. It didnt make any sense to die for sinners who had backstabbed and betrayed him, but he chose to do it anyway. He chose to be separated from his heavenly father so that we could have life.

I encourage you to express your heart to God, that includes your frustrations, your confusions and doubts, and your struggles just as I have written in some of my posts. Paul boasts in his weakness because he knows thats when Christ's power and grace comes in to make him strong.

2 Corinthians 12:8-10
8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

God will use our weakness to demonstrate his strength. If we had everything together all the time, how would we learn and grow? and where would we need Jesus?

My heart will always be broken and I will always be weak, but God remains the same yesterday today and forever. (Hebrews 13:8) - He will always be Strong.

He has renewed my hope and love for him and continues to leave me breathless in his presence.

Testify ;)

Pressing forward.

I wish that I could look upon your face
that I could touch the power in your hand

that I could feel your emotions as you watch your children
walk through the path of life

I want to be that girl that smiled with
the love of God- that was breathless with joy as your
voice penetrated her heart.

I dont want to feel inadequate- insufficient- discouraged in your plan for me.
I dreamed BIG- trusted that you'd placed a special calling upon me.

But I feel as if I am losing hope. Losing confidence in my giftings, losing confidence in my abilities
and losing confidence in this annointing you have placed upon me.

Lord what do you have for me? I feel as if my future is so near but yet so unknown.
I will keep holding on tight.

He Does love me.

Today I sit in the bed of a house I've never really known. I am embraced by a family I have never really known and I am learning about a culture I have never really known. I am in Victoria right now visiting my father- yes my biological father..the one who gave me my brown eyes and hair, my outstanding memory, but also my ability to overanalyze. It has been about 2 years since I last saw him but he has not changed much from how I remembered him.

I guess I was always ignorant of the fact that he loved me when I was younger. Sometimes I just wished I could forget about him and he would go away. I never saw him- it felt like he never tried to see me, yet alone call me- so I just gave up on him.

Being here hurts a little. It is not because I am angry at him or upset that he was absent for most of my life but because I realize how much I could have learned from him that I didnt. I realize that a life spent with him in it would have made me a much happier little girl.

Its confusing because I've never had to sort through this kind of stuff before..hes always been the "other" one- the one I never see and the one who sends me money. Whenever I have said I love you over the phone it has always felt somewhat obligated.

I never called him, never emailed him, never sent him pictures because I was comfortable with the life I had and didnt need another complication. I was bitter that he never phoned me, or emailed me so I decided to return the favor.

Now that I have spent 2 days here I see the love that I had been so ignorant of.
My camera just died and my parents back home told me to get film cameras to last through my internship- I was devasted. I did not have a single cent to buy a new one. He bought me one today, no questions asked because he realized how much I needed it. When he smiled at me his eyes spoke a silent language "Where have you been? I've missed you."

He Does love me.

As I was writing this God reminded me that this situation is very similar to what I've done to him before. I have been ignorant of his love- hes reached out to me but because I was so comfortable with my life and didnt want any extra "complications" I never responded. He has always loved me and always will.

I am going to try to make a better effort to invest into getting to know my earthly father better. There is so much I still can learn from him about myself and who I am. Hes teaching me about my Persian culture-I had a iranian meal for dinner tonight and it was so good.

I'm not going to be ignorant of his love any longer. He doesnt deserve it, I dont deserve it.

We are tied together by God.