He Does love me.

Today I sit in the bed of a house I've never really known. I am embraced by a family I have never really known and I am learning about a culture I have never really known. I am in Victoria right now visiting my father- yes my biological father..the one who gave me my brown eyes and hair, my outstanding memory, but also my ability to overanalyze. It has been about 2 years since I last saw him but he has not changed much from how I remembered him.

I guess I was always ignorant of the fact that he loved me when I was younger. Sometimes I just wished I could forget about him and he would go away. I never saw him- it felt like he never tried to see me, yet alone call me- so I just gave up on him.

Being here hurts a little. It is not because I am angry at him or upset that he was absent for most of my life but because I realize how much I could have learned from him that I didnt. I realize that a life spent with him in it would have made me a much happier little girl.

Its confusing because I've never had to sort through this kind of stuff before..hes always been the "other" one- the one I never see and the one who sends me money. Whenever I have said I love you over the phone it has always felt somewhat obligated.

I never called him, never emailed him, never sent him pictures because I was comfortable with the life I had and didnt need another complication. I was bitter that he never phoned me, or emailed me so I decided to return the favor.

Now that I have spent 2 days here I see the love that I had been so ignorant of.
My camera just died and my parents back home told me to get film cameras to last through my internship- I was devasted. I did not have a single cent to buy a new one. He bought me one today, no questions asked because he realized how much I needed it. When he smiled at me his eyes spoke a silent language "Where have you been? I've missed you."

He Does love me.

As I was writing this God reminded me that this situation is very similar to what I've done to him before. I have been ignorant of his love- hes reached out to me but because I was so comfortable with my life and didnt want any extra "complications" I never responded. He has always loved me and always will.

I am going to try to make a better effort to invest into getting to know my earthly father better. There is so much I still can learn from him about myself and who I am. Hes teaching me about my Persian culture-I had a iranian meal for dinner tonight and it was so good.

I'm not going to be ignorant of his love any longer. He doesnt deserve it, I dont deserve it.

We are tied together by God.