Procrastination coupled with Busyness says "I can never really fail if I never really give myself a chance to try."

I don't know why I do it, but I always fill my life to the maximum with activites. I know my times with God have suffered because of it. Even my blogs reflect a lack of activity.

I am a goal-seeker, an activist, a dreamer. I don't like to waste my time watching lots of movies or doing self-indulgent activities. I would rather be out there seeing the world, spending time with people, and doing ministry than sitting in front of a screen.

But yet..my relationship with God still is nowhere near what I would like it to be. I see now I have failed to realize in action, that my vision and strength and energy to go out and do work for God comes from the rest and time spent with him. I am inefficient in everything I do if I am not filled with the strength that comes from God.

I feel like my vision for my future has faded. And I know the main reason for this is because I haven't spent alot of time in silence and solitude and rest in God. Busyness does not equate fruitfulness. I cannot discover my calling and God's will for me if I am not spending time receiving wisdom from him.

I will tell you a story to help you understand. In this story there were two friends, John and Jason. Both of them worked at the same company and were vieing for the same raise and higher position.

John studied hard, he spent time reviewing the business strategies, developing a plan and preparing the skills required to do the job. Then he set out to do it.

Jason on the other hand was confident in his knowledge already, he barely studied but went out and started promoting himself to people and marketing his skills hoping that he could show his boss he could do the job.

If the boss were to look at both John and Jason-who would he give the job to?

Our answer should be John. John's work ethic showed his boss that he was serious about what he was about to do. He spent time in careful preparation so that he could do his job well. He didn't trust in what he knew and jump right into the situation like Jason did, which left lots of room for errors, but he made sure he had stored up the vision and character and skills required to do his job efficiently.

Looking at my life right now I would like to be like John, but my approach is more like Jasons.

Busyness is just one more way I can distract myself from the difficult work and diligent discipline required to achieve my goals. It is a form of procrastination.

In freedom session we learned that procrastination is a form of avoiding pain or difficulty by avoiding it and putting it off till later. Procrastination says "I am afraid of failure." Busyness says "I can do it on my own." Procrastination coupled with busyness says "I can never really fail if I never really give myself a chance to try."

Next semester my life needs to change. Busyness can no longer be an excuse for missing devotions or time spent with God. My future is not clear right now, but my eyes have not been focused in the right direction.

God has taught me alot this semester, some very hard lessons, but I have a feeling this one will be the toughest and most rewarding of them all.

Tess

God knows my desires better than I do.

Ever had a moment where God surprises you with just a little hint as to how he's working in your life? You just want to jump up and down with joy because you realize he has been working for your good even when it seems like he hasn't. Well, I had one of those moments the other day at work. You could probably tell by my smile.

I was bussing a table and moping to myself about the big financial burden I am trying to pay off on 8 dollars and hour. I started thinking about how much easier things would be if I could only serve and make more money. It started to dawn on me that I have been placing my faith and pursuit of happiness in the idea of making more money rather than trusting in God's purposes (once again). I am going to try to summarize the conversation God and I had directly afterwards.

"Tess what do you really want in life? What are the deepest desires of your heart?"
"To be like you Jesus in everything that I do."
"Do you really think that making more money is gonna lead you closer to that desire?"
"Uhh..No. I think it would actually make me be farther from being like you God."
"Why?"
"Because I would place my trust for happiness in money, I would give it the control over everything that I do. It would never be enough for me and I would end up being a greedy, prideful, and bitter person. "
"Is that what you want?"
"No God..but.."
"But what would shape you to become like me?"

Then it dawned on me. All the trials and tests and unfair circumstances I have been put through at Eastside Marios have actually led me closer to my deepest desires of being like Jesus and giving him glory. Gaining lots of money and being comfortable never would have. At Eastside Marios I have learned patience, how to perservere in suffering, how to place my finances in God's hand, how to become bolder in sharing my faith, how to cry out to him in my pain, and how to rejoice even in the difficult.

"You see daughter I only have good purposes in mind for you and I will fulfill every desire of your heart in my timing"
"Thank you God. I love you so much. Words can't even describe how great you are!"

This realization has given me new hope and trust. Even though things are still really hard and I can even feel the pain of everything I have gone through at this job fill my heart as I write I am glad that he has put me there. He has brought light out of my darkness and once again proved to me that he is indeed very Trustworthy.

John 1:5 "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."

Tess

I am getting sick on the craziest and busiest last two weeks of school. Immune system please get better soon!

God is Good. Don't ever doubt it!