Filled first.

With the Summer arriving it seems that many of my friends are going away on adventures; Some are going to camp, others on internships, and other's to do ministry in another country.

I have spent almost three whole summers working at camp and know of the excitement, hard work, and amazing times you get to see God work in the lives of the campers at camp. I have gone on an internship to Seattle and had probably one of the best summers of my life being stretched and used by God in the local church and making some amazing life-long friends. I have been to Thailand and experienced the culture, built a church in the hot sun, and watched as God worked in the lives of our team and those we were serving.

I feel very grateful for all of these experiences but in all honesty I am missing the adventure and getting very ancy. I feel like God has asked me to wait on him and save money for my future goals while building my character here at home but it is very difficult. As I was listening to my favourite song God of justice by Tim Hughes- which I feel is my deepest hearts cry I reflected on the words of the bridge.

"Fill us up and send us out Lord"

The filling up comes first- the sending out comes second. I'm going to be building patience and trust in God in this period of filling up. Then when I am ready to be sent out I know I will be more effective in my ministry as someone who has prepared themselves for battle is more effective than someone who doesn't know how to use a sword.

Lord help me to trust you and do what I can here at home to make an impact for your kingdom. Show me opportunities to step out and find adventure in my own church and community. May I live by faith and not by sight, live by deed and not by word, live by love and not by resentment. Amen.

I fall deep.

Sometimes I feel like artists put words to my emotions so well that I don't even have to try. In this case its Kelly Clarkson's song I don't hook up. The chorus goes

Oh, no, I do not hook up, up, I come slow
So if you want me, I don't come cheap
Keep your hand in my hand, your heart on your sleeve
Oh, no, I do not hook up, up, I fall deep
'Cause the more that you try the harder I'll fight
To say goodnight

I'm not going to give myself away to just anyone. The work of Jesus in me is helping me to become the woman I am meant to be to support and love the man I marry wholeheartedly. Sometimes its just so difficult to wait for the refining process to be done with, especially if the person you admire and appreciate and believe in is not leaving your heart.

Killing the inner critic.

Lately I have been really fighting the inner critic inside of me. It criticizes others but more often than not it criticizes me. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough, that I'm unloved, and that I'm too _________ (fill in the blank) for anyone to accept me, believe in me or want to be with me.

This struggle is starting to show its ugly fruit in my life and I know I need to stop feeding it asap. It holds me back from leadership (because I don't believe in myself) it depresses me at work (I'm always afraid of being let go) and it causes me to procrastinate pursuing my dreams (I don't want to face failure).

Something inside of me seems to tell me that if I only had friends or family who told me more wonderful things about myself that I would be more confident but I know that it's not true. My confidence should never be dependent on people because if it were people would be able to control my ability to live the free and faith-filled life I should be living simply by their words and actions. I would be held in the chains of others opinions.

I know there is a leader inside of me, a confident and determined spirit ready to dream big and step out into the things God has planned, but I also know that their is a spirit of insecurity inside me that whispers lies and holds me captive to its words. It always prevents the confident one from coming out.

I know many of you can identify with a similar inward battle so that is why I am sharing this. I have not yet figured out how to get rid of this spirit for good or how to put it to death but I do know that it has something to do with 1.) Understanding Grace 2.) Understanding God's love for me and 3.) Taking every thought captive and changing my perception of myself.

I was thinking about going on an internship that takes you all around the United states and Canada ministering to young girls about God's love, God's plan, and self-esteem but I chose not to this year. I cannot sufficiently minister to others about these things when I have yet to believe them or know them myself.

I am learning that it is Ok to be vulnerable, its Ok to make mistakes, and it's OK to be wrong. I am not perfect nor is anybody so why should I expect myself to be. I am learning that my self-esteem should not be found in those around me. It is clear to me that I am placing my worth in people when I am comfortable and able to be myself easily around those who love me but am uncomfortable or insecure around those who don't or I want to impress. I am learning that humility is not being afraid to admit my flaws or mistakes but being comfortable enough with who I am that I openly talk about my struggles in order to correct them and encourage others who are struggling with similar things.

If you are facing any of these similar struggles I encourage you to begin to ask God how he sees you. It is difficult to change our views of ourselves when we have had them so long but God's love cannot be underestimated. As I discover who I am and who God made me to be I hope you do too.

Tess

"You never know what God's going to do so don't despise simple humble beginnings" -Mark Driscoll

Treasure in jars of clay.

As I was talking with a new friend tonight a bundle of words fell from my mouth about some ways I noticed God was using her. She began to cry and almost winced at my encouragement like she had never heard it before. At that moment I felt like God whispered these words to me so gently but boldly

"Sometimes all people need is someone to believe in them."

God believes in me, my mentor believes in me, some of my friends believe in me, and my parents believe in me although sometimes their expectations are a little different. This has made a world of difference in giving me the courage to do the things I have and will.

I feel as if God has given me this specific mission. To believe in those around me and to help them be all that He has made them to be. To find his heart in every circumstance and for every person by looking through the flaws and brokenness to find the beauty he has put within them.

Lord you are so good to me

the desires in my heart.

Its your life what you gonna do, the world is watching you

every day the choices you make say what you are and who.

I'm sick of being selfish and self-seeking. I'm tired of my own apathy and procrastination. I know what I have been called to and I'm gonna do it. I'm not going to let the voice inside my head that tells me I am not good enough win out over God's voice which tells me I am good enough by his grace.

I want to be a woman of boldness, beautiful character and a quiet spirit that seeks to please the Lord. I want to be different, set apart in my joy and my love for others. I want to take action for the things that break the Lord's heart and not sit around pursuing my own best interests. I want to be someone inspiring, someone people look to for wisdom and encouragement.

Mostly though, I want to be an example of the Love of Jesus Christ. Love that is patient and kind. Love that does not envy and does not boast. Love that does not dishonor others and is not self-seeking. Love that is not easily angered and does not keep a record of wrongs. Love that does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. Love that always protects, trust, hopes and perserveres.

Father I am humbled before you. These are my deepest desires.

Your daughter.

Am I getting ahead of myself or what?

My Book List for 2011 so far

Books in Progress:

Biblical Preaching-Haddon Robinson
Deep Preaching-Kent Edwards
Christian Athiest-Craig Groeschel
I don't have enough faith to be an Athiest-Frank Turek and Norman Geisler
Knowing God-JI Packer
Intro to Christian Doctrine-Milliard J Erickson
Boundaries-Dr. Henry Cloud

Books to Read:

The Power of Reason- Tim Keller
Miracles- CS Lewis
Chosen but Free- Norman Geisler
Counterfeit Gods- Tim Keller
Battlefield of the Mind- Joyce Meyers
Ravi Zacharias-End of Reason
Evangelism and the Sovereignty of God-JI Packer
Screwtape Letters-CS Lewis

I will hold on.

I've lost my job and so much more, but my God is good and trustworthy despite my circumstances. He will always provide what I need. I can't let go of that promise right now.

What peace for those whose confidence is Him alone.

If our confidence is in ourselves, we will find that we are let down and dissapointed easily. If we think that when we fail we hinder God's work then we forget who we are dealing with and place power in our own works rather than in Gods work for us .

If our confidence is in God we surrender our difficult situations to Him and joyfully embrace the new ones He has placed in our paths for us to discover. If our confidence is in God we recognize that even when we fail or our circumstances seem to change for the worst his purposes do not change and they are always good. We do not beat ourselves up over our failures and we do not let our circumstances drive us towards doubt and depression.

Where is your confidence?

Flirting with fear.

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than one's fear. The timid presume it is lack of fear that allows the brave to act when the timid do not. But to take action when one is not afraid is easy. To refrain when afraid is also easy. To take action regardless of fear is brave."-Ambrose Redmoon

I was not courageous tonight. I let my fear hold me back.

God I trust that your plans for me are bigger than all my worries, doubts and fears. From this day forward may I live in the strength and boldness that you provide. May I love despite my own failures and the failures of others. May I commit with my whole heart to serving you before my own will and nothing else. I will not worship others peoples opinions or my selfish desires. May I become intimate with you in giving myself over in surrender, being vulnerable and open before you and recieving the relationship you intended to have with me.

Amen.

deathbed thoughts.

At my funeral I don't want people to say "She lived a good life" or "She was a good person" or even "She touched my life". I want them to say "Because of her life I am even more sure that God exists and that he is good and powerful beyond measure".

May everything I do point to you Jesus.

Amen.

Is God on your To-Do list?

It's easy to let life spin by around you and forget why your truly living. It's easy to get so caught in tasks and goals that you neglect what you know is really important. It's easy to read books and listen to sermons about God but be too busy when it comes to investing your time in him directly.

Lately I have been asking God to show me what is means to fall in love with him again. I have been a Christian for a long time and heard many of the bible verses and stories of God over and over. I'm also studying at bible college right now and mostly all I'm learning about is God and things that have to do with him. But yet despite all you or I know about God it is easy to be so consumed in our schedules that we forget what relationship really means and we slowly draw away from him.

I read back over some of my old blog posts that I wrote in my first year at bible college and am in awe of how in love with Jesus I was. I remember the passion and life that flowed through my veins-I had extraordinary energy to serve him and bring him praise.

My prayer to fall in love with him again is coming true. He is speaking deep truth to me about who he is and making my heart burst with joy at the thought of being his daughter once again. Every time I worship or pray I either start crying tears of joy or come close to it.

God doesn't force himself on us and we grieve his spirit when we chase after our own plans and busy schedules rather than him. We need to sit at his feet like Mary and not run ourselves in circles like Martha thinking we are pursuing after him when we don't even have time to listen to "what he says."

Luke 10:38-42

"As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!

“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Are you a Martha?

Tess

Food for thought.

"We are not all we were made to be when everything in our lives and churches can be explained apart from the work and presence of the Spirit of God."

"I hope that we can go beyond our current understanding of the Holy Spirit and begin to commune openly...that our experience with Him would be day by day, even moment by moment. That by keeping in step with the Spirit, we might regularly fellowship over what He's doing rather than what He did months or years ago."

"My prayer is that your changed life would produce this kind of astonishment: "Now when they saw the boldness of Peter and John, and percieved that they were uneducated, common men, they were astonished. And they recognized that they had been with Jesus" (Acts 4:13)

Forgotten God, Francis Chan

To all you fellow dreamers..

I just wrote this song. It's not finished yet but I already want to post it because I'm following and being followed by so many incredible dreamers. Be encouraged! P.s this is copyrighted so don't even think about it!

Verse 1:

Do you remember all the dreams you locked away
Thinking they were too big for you
You've made your God too small and
let the doubt creep in
He's greater than our fears and nothings too hard for him

Chorus:

God is capable of more than we can dream
God knows everything, we cannot hide from him
We shrink him to our size with every worry and fear
He is trustworthy and we can believe

Verse 2:

God made the stars and called them each by name
His power is stronger than the roughest ocean waves
He knows how many hairs are on your head
He's got a plan for you so don't forget


Tess

I'm letting go of the life I've planned for me.

I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
Losing control
Of my destiny
Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go

Giving in to your gravity
Knowing You are holding me
I’m not afraid

Recently I have been feeling alot of lack of direction for my future or more a feeling that my dreams are unattainable with the reality I am faced with right now. How am I supposed to work hard towards something when I only have a vague idea what that something is and it seems so unlikely? To pursue music takes alot of hard work and guts since the industry is so competitive and the wage isn't very good and to really get going you need alot of things to fall into place simply by knowing people and opportunities presenting themselves.

Yesterday I lay on my bed and poured my heart out to God completely. I let tears fall from my face and frustration be heard in my words. I didn't receive a concrete answer like I was expecting, but more a realization that my dreams and plans had not yet been fully surrendered to God. For the past year I have held my dreams of traveling and ministering to youth through music very close. I know this because the possibility that they might not be in Gods plans was devastating to think about. Would you be able to give this up if I had something else in mind? Would you be content with me if these dreams of yours never came to pass? After wrestling long and hard deep in my heart with that question and finally answering yes I felt so free.

I realized that my worries about my future have filled my life with a lot of unnecessary anxiety and fear. Time was ticking and I had to get started! But where could I start? Aggghhh! The second I surrendered my plans to God my fears of time running out or of my dreams not happening disappeared. This was because I realized that God has me doing exactly what he has already planned me to do right now, I don't need to rush things or get frustrated with where I am at. His plans for me will ultimately come about. I need to live in faith that at the moment what I feel he wants me to do right now (Saving up and getting better at piano) is all I need to do in simple obedience and trust. Even if my future never leads where I envision it will, I will try to serve God in the opportunities and circumstances He provides every moment.

I'm letting go.

...But sometimes the best thing is to just be quiet and wait.

There are so many thoughts running through my head
So many questions I want to ask
I don't want to rush to conclusions
but the excitement is getting harder to contain
I'm not saying anything yet
I'm guarding my heart
This is something out of my control that I need to trust in.
Lord keep me level headed and my heart grounded.

Your daughter

No such thing as easy.

(I wrote this as a response to one of my friends posts but then realized that I should heed my own words as well. I thought I would share it with you to encourage you, but as you will soon see not in a feel-good, life is carefree sorta way.)

I know 2010 has been a hard year for you, as it has been for me as well. Through a series of events and tears in freedom session as well as a sermon on suffering which seemed to say the perfect thing at the perfect time I came to a realization.

My pursuit for happiness, comfort, and ease of life was exactly the root of all my negative thoughts and negative actions. What made me feel better was more important to me (as shown in my actions not my desires) than becoming better. It was a selfish thing that led me into all sorts of evils, probably the biggest one was my complaining.

The sermon was about how the mark of someone who has truly given their all to Jesus is someone willing to suffer. (Taking up your cross definitely does not imply a pain-free life) I realized that what I really wanted was to have life easy-I thought that if only did this or did that better for God my life would be free of pain.

But that is not it at all. Until I was willing to face the suffering that would inevitably become greater the more I gave my all to Jesus-I would not become what my heart truly desired-to be more like Him.

I know this does not seem like an encouraging thing at first, but I might add that your expectations of 2011 should include pain and trial and testing and the victory, joy, and true refinement that comes from them.

It will all be worth it.
Tess

P is for Persian.

Even though I am in Victoria BC I feel as if I am experiencing a different culture. My other dad is persian and most of what I have experienced in the past few days has been persian parties and mmm delicious persian food.

I definitely do appreciate the rich culture and some of its values but its also hard in some ways. When it comes to leisure time mostly they go from house to house visiting and eating and eating. It can be offensive if you keep to yourself or don't visit and don't eat the food they put on your plate-over and over and over.

The pushiness can be hard to adjust to as well as being one of the only ones at the party who doesn't speak Farsi.

I am looking forward to going to Iran though. I know I will probably be suffocated with tons of family who will want to see me but I think it would be an interesting experience.

Tess