Killing the inner critic.

Lately I have been really fighting the inner critic inside of me. It criticizes others but more often than not it criticizes me. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough, that I'm unloved, and that I'm too _________ (fill in the blank) for anyone to accept me, believe in me or want to be with me.

This struggle is starting to show its ugly fruit in my life and I know I need to stop feeding it asap. It holds me back from leadership (because I don't believe in myself) it depresses me at work (I'm always afraid of being let go) and it causes me to procrastinate pursuing my dreams (I don't want to face failure).

Something inside of me seems to tell me that if I only had friends or family who told me more wonderful things about myself that I would be more confident but I know that it's not true. My confidence should never be dependent on people because if it were people would be able to control my ability to live the free and faith-filled life I should be living simply by their words and actions. I would be held in the chains of others opinions.

I know there is a leader inside of me, a confident and determined spirit ready to dream big and step out into the things God has planned, but I also know that their is a spirit of insecurity inside me that whispers lies and holds me captive to its words. It always prevents the confident one from coming out.

I know many of you can identify with a similar inward battle so that is why I am sharing this. I have not yet figured out how to get rid of this spirit for good or how to put it to death but I do know that it has something to do with 1.) Understanding Grace 2.) Understanding God's love for me and 3.) Taking every thought captive and changing my perception of myself.

I was thinking about going on an internship that takes you all around the United states and Canada ministering to young girls about God's love, God's plan, and self-esteem but I chose not to this year. I cannot sufficiently minister to others about these things when I have yet to believe them or know them myself.

I am learning that it is Ok to be vulnerable, its Ok to make mistakes, and it's OK to be wrong. I am not perfect nor is anybody so why should I expect myself to be. I am learning that my self-esteem should not be found in those around me. It is clear to me that I am placing my worth in people when I am comfortable and able to be myself easily around those who love me but am uncomfortable or insecure around those who don't or I want to impress. I am learning that humility is not being afraid to admit my flaws or mistakes but being comfortable enough with who I am that I openly talk about my struggles in order to correct them and encourage others who are struggling with similar things.

If you are facing any of these similar struggles I encourage you to begin to ask God how he sees you. It is difficult to change our views of ourselves when we have had them so long but God's love cannot be underestimated. As I discover who I am and who God made me to be I hope you do too.

Tess