I Have a New Blog! myheartsafterhis.blogspot.com

After Reading the Divine Mentor- A book I would suggest to everyone..

I have realized how slack I have been on my daily devotions.

Uninspired to journal due to my horrible handwriting and constant tendency to cross out rewrite, and white out over and over again,

I write most of the things God's been teaching me here.

Otherwise I often just read the bible as a normal book and don't deeply contemplate or keep any record of the Word and what the Spirit's speaking to me through it by writing it down.

Jeremiah 30:2 "This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: 'Write in a book all the words I have spoken to you."

Well friends. I'm gonna start a fresh. On this new blog I will use the Soap format to meditate on the Word daily. The ease of typing helps my thoughts to be written down almost as fast as they are flowing through my head.

I will continue to use this blog (a tess-timony to life) just as regularly as before. Though if you ever want to check out the things God is teaching me daily through my devotions feel free to take a look @ myheartsafterhis.blogspot.com.

If you aren't doing your devotions regularly and recording them in a journal or blog. I will ask you to take this challenge with me and help keep me accountable. I'm gonna need it!

Tess

It's not mine anyway.

Just the other day I was standing at the bus stop and God challenged me to do something.

I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to give up what I have been holding so close. What it appears I need the most right now...

"It's not yours" he told me. "I gave it to you in the first place. It's mine and I'm telling you to give it away."

"But..But.." I replied "You know that I need this right now. I have to use it for so many things."

Then I went off telling myself that I must be hearing wrong- that I must be making it up. In fact even now I can feel the doubt crouching up on me. My heart started pounding. As the time passed by his voice seemed to grow louder- until he was literally shouting-"Walk over there and give it away! How can you be selfish and keep it to yourself when I gave it to you in the first place!" Then the very own song I had written played itself over and over again in my mind. Ha!

I envisioned how I would do it in my mind. He was just lying there on the ground huddled up in a sleeping bag, I would walk over and hand it to him, wish him a Merry Christmas and then leave. The only problem was I just couldn't get my legs to move.

Then my mom called. As she was talking to me on the phone I grew desperate. The bus was almost here..I could see it coming down the street and I was stuck on the phone. "Wait one sec" I told her. I walked over there with all the strength I could muster and handed it to him. He looked up at me with shock written all over his face. I wished him a Merry Christmas and stood frozen at the bus stop, a little shocked as well, at what I had just done.

Gods voice spoke one more time "He needed it more than you. Although you do not know how he is going to use it I do, and that is why you need to trust me. You hold it so close as if I can't provide it again, as if you don't believe that I will deliver but your precious paper is insignificant in my eyes. It is not what gives you the clothes on your back, nor the home that you live, nor the family that you have, stop acting like its your security. Learn to be secure in only me. I give you everything you have."

Don't you think its kinda ironic that he taught me that those papers are not what keep me alive, yet he used my reluctant obedience to help keep that man alive? HaHa I think it is...yes God your a funny one. I also think its kinda funny that he is teaching me this lesson now, right around the most consumer friendly season of the year.

As I reflect on this experience I recall the story in Mark 12:41-43.

⁴¹Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. ⁴²But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins,worth only a fraction of a penny.

⁴³Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. ⁴⁴They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on."

That my friends is an example of someone who has learned to be secure in God for everything she had. It says she "put in everything-all she had to live on." That is a woman who trusted God with her life. She didn't put her security in pieces of paper or shiny metal, she placed her security in God. So today I want to challenge you.

Where does your security lie?

I know my security lately has definitely been lying in the wrong place..my bank account.

Think about it. And once you've thought about it think about ways that you can place your complete security in him this Christmas and bless others.

If that woman can trust God for everything-to even get through the next day-then I know the small measure of faith I have been given to trust him in this.

In the words of JJ Heller.

"You make life worth living

You make me want to start giving  

More and more away to you   

 It's not mine anyway" 

Merry Christmas!

Tess =)

If your reading this..

I miss you.

When boasting is not a sin..

This semester has been a tough one. I shed many tears, had many frustrating conversations with God, and at many times I felt like giving up. In this season of broken-ness I gained a new perspective on my identity. Even more of my weaknesses were revealed and a whole new bunch of convictions to strengthen them came along. It was a time of testing- I was constantly prodded with the simple question "Do you trust me?" whenever I was tempted to worry or stress or just stop trying. The circumstances always seemed so outright crappy and everytime I looked around I saw people who had life so much easier than I did at the time and envied it. Oh how I envied it. I tried not to- I asked God to keep teaching me these hard lessons and prayed dangerous prayers everyday that he would keep revealing to me the things I needed to deal with. Well he sure did- but sometimes I couldn't help but wish that things could be easier.

Reflecting on my semester and reading through old blog posts it is easy to see his strong hand breaking me, repairing me, and guiding me through the narrow gate this entire time. He taught me new things about loving others, loving him, and loving myself as he loves me that I thought I had already learned. I do not regret any of the hard lessons I learned, but am so very thankful for the "holy spirit surgery" I received. Even through the difficulties I endured that were not under my control, he taught me how to delight in him and find hope in dim looking situations.

I am realizing with every coming day just like Paul how very weak I am without God. The desperation for him to help me get through every day just keeps growing; He has the strength to carry me through, and I will boast of that. My God is loving and powerful and I need nothing else but him.
He chooses to lift us up in even the roughest points of our lives and in some way always uses it for GOOD- and that my friends is a cause for rejoicing!

2 Corinthians 12:9-11

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. ¹⁰That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose

Its all for your glory. I am nothing without you.

Tess

I think the answer is no..so why can't I just let it go..Oh lord if you want me too I'll let it go..

What lies have you been believing?

What lies have you been believing?

Dont give in to Satan’s decievin

He’ll destroy how you perceive

The perfect love that you’ve received

Your not good enough and you’ll never be

What was done in the past isn’t history

There’s no hope for this, nothing will change

If you’ve thought this through

And believe its true

Then Satan's getting his hold on you.

Ask yourself this

Where are you placing your identity?

In what people say about you

Or who they tell you to be?

What lies have you been believeing?

Dont give in to Satan’s decievin

He’ll destroy how you perceive

The perfect love that you’ve received.

Always remember that Satan is powerless when you have faith in God's total victory and purpose for your life and walk confidently in his truth.

James 4:8 Come near to God and he will Come near to you.

God I wish I could be completely honest and say that I have been putting you first in my life. The reality is I haven't. I have made my job and my school the top priority in my life- so much so that they have pretty much sucked out most of time- so I have little time left to give to you. I haven't been taking a sabbath, I havent been reading my bible regularly, and I have been too tired to spend each night before bed getting lost in conversation with you like I used too.

I know this financial burden is a big one, but I don't need to carry it. Rid me of this unbelieving spirit God. This unbelief that you will provide for my school- and this belief that I need to work as much as my body can possibly take to save up and pay it off. I'm getting weary and tired quickly.

Teach me to have more faith and trust.

The fighting hasn't really stopped...in fact its seems to get worse. In the Heart of the Artist Rory Noland said something that really stuck with me "Our ministry is the product of our relationship with Christ." I realized I'm letting Satan pull me as far away from God as he can with the lies that "God won't provide." "Nothing will ever change so just get used to it" "You will never find forgiveness." He is attacking my very relationship with God and ministry. My ministry at home where God has placed me for this time isn't making much of an impact because my relationship with God isn't in the place it should be right now...

I need to seek God first above all else and discipline myself to read his word on a daily basis. God help us to grow again into that deep connection we had over the summer. I want to know you more intimately than I have before.

Your daughter.

I am a warrior, ready to fight this battle.

No Satan I will not back down. I will not give up.

My God is Unshakable, Unchangeable, and Unstoppable and he is fighting with me,

and Nothing you can ever do will change that.

Your promise revives me; it comforts me in all my troubles. Psalm 119:50

When the sky fades to gray- your sun shines through as if to say- you'll get through another day

I'm sunny with a High
of 75
Since You took my heavy heart
And made it light

And its funny how you find
You enjoy your life
When you're happy to be alive

Relient K says it so well. My problems seem so tiny in comparison to the Great things you have planned for me. Let your glory shine through the clouds and illuminate every dark place.

Tess

Be the light unto my feet.

"I wait here with uncertainty

about the things my future will bring

with a quiet trust, a deep desire to

sit loyal-lly at your feet

becoming who you want me to be"

Right now I'm in a dilemma. My parents just told me they are in debt and can no longer help me pay for my next semester. Currently we had been splitting the cost. Now I feel as if I have to figure out how I am going to pay for it- all 4 grand..by the end of next semester.

I have complete peace that God will provide- but I know I need to decide whether I am going to continue doing full time studies and working a job 4 days a week, or if I'm going to do part-time studies which will help me work more and lower the cost.

I have no clue what God has in store for me this next year..If I am going to be at Plbc again? heading to Nashville? Going to Africa? Just working at home? Touring with a band? It seems like there are so many dreams I have and things I want to accomplish.

God please give me some clarity and guidance in this time. I simply want to do your will in whatever ways you can best use me. I give this over to you.

Tess.

I love this.

Worship is the submission of all our nature to God. It is the quickening of conscience by His holiness; the nourishment of mind with His truth; the purifying of imagination by His beauty; the opening of the heart to His love; the surrender of will to His purpose-and all of this gathered up in adoration; the most selfless emotion of which our nature is capable and therefore the chief remedy for that self-centeredness which is our original sin and the source of all actual sin.”

William Temple

Trust Him.

Trust Him.

TRUST.

H20 on the go. I'll get another water please.

Had my first solo serving shift tonight..
Only served 3 tables cause the place was jam packed!
It went pretty well, made a few mistakes, but managed to keep my cool.
I realized how demanding customers can be.

Its defs gonna be a journey but I know I can learn some valuable life skills from this job.

1.) The power of the smile and apology.
2.) How to multitask (which I am currently not so great at)
3.) Insane memorization and compartmentalization.
4.)An inventory of funny food jokes.
5.) How to interpret strong foreign accents and language induced with alcohol
6.) Organization!
7.) Resisting temptation (temptation to eat the garlic homeloaf that is...)

yea..I'm sure there will be many more. I'll update the list as I go.

Tess

Satan- your a smart one- but I know someone smarter.

As I watched the Tour Team perform a skit in chapel today I was moved to tears. In one part of it a blindfolded woman and man, began fighting, imitating yelling and screaming in anger at each other. Off to the side was a girl crying; she said in broken-ness "Daddy why do I feel like Satan is taking control of my family?"

I couldn't hold back the tears- probably because I identified myself with that girl- I have known what that feels like to see my family ripping each other apart and feeling so helpless.

God's healed me from the pain of the past and I've been able to forgive my family, but there is still something inside of me that gets so defensive whenever I see and hear of such broken-ness within the families of those around me. I have big dreams for my future family- I guess I don't want my family to go through all the things that I have-I want to get it right you know- have a husband who is a strong spiritual leader and loving father- and be a mother who is compassionate, patient, and encouraging- I want to be completely unified with my husband in seeking God first, us to sharpen and pray with each other, and be radical in obedience to God in everything we do. I desire a family that serves God loyally to the end. I know its a great desire to have- and I think that it is one of the reasons why I have been able to be so controlled about saving myself completely for my future husband, because that future relationship I have with him and within our family is something extremely close to my heart.

I know that there will be many hardships and challenges in my future family- but I am working on myself and trying to become a more Christ-like person so when those challenges meet me face to face, I can handle them in love, and we will be able to get through them resting on the firm foundation of Christ. Satan attacks families so much because he knows how meaningful they are to God and to us.

My parents made mistakes. But just like God gives Grace, so will I. They are amazing people who love me unconditionally and I hope that more healing in our relationships will come. I value family and the relationship I will have with my future husband so so much.

God help me to grow to be more like you everyday. Teach me patience, gentleness, and peace especially right now. I want to be the most loving mother and wife for my future family as I can be. I pray in advance against any attacks the enemy would have on trying to break apart and pervert one of your greatest blessings on earth- family.

Tess

We need to stop making assumptions and take it to the Lord in prayer.
Nothing is impossible for him.

Rooted in Faith.

Less than a week ago I was standing outside on the field by the tree crying out to God and asking him for some sort confirmation that the worship set I planned on doing was spirit led- crying out for confirmation that I was hearing correctly what he wanted to speak to the school community this week at chapel.

I prayed alot for a confirmation but never really got an answer. I started to worry ( yes- thats what happens as soon as I stop trusting). I guess God showed me little signs throughout the week to keep me in confidence that the songs and scripture and little message I had planned were in fact what the students needed to hear, but in a sense I ignored them and kept worrying and seeking that confirmation.

I came across an article the other day that talked about faith and I realized that I needed to stand in faith with what I felt God told me even though I felt like I had received no answer.

I am here to tell you right now that the confirmation I was seeking was found in chapel today. The set was entirely spirit led- and Dennis the Vice President of our school even came up near the end to share something he had felt during worship. There is Beauty in the Ashes. It was powerful- and people couldn't deny that God's presence was there, they were coming up to me after and telling me that it was exactly what they needed to hear. God did something marvelous today- and taught me how to have faith in his still small voice.

It's the easy thing to doubt- but it brings no reward. Its the hard thing to trust- but the reward is great.

The set was about finding peace in times of hardship, about fixing our eyes on Jesus to find that peace, and understanding that Jesus has claimed victory over all the things that will try to bring us down.

Hebrews 12: ¹Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. ²Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Remain Rooted in Faith..even when it feels like there is no answer.
Tess.

The Beauty of Your Peace. Tim Hughes.

Your voice has stilled the raging storms
The wind and waves bow down before
Your still small voice brings hope to all
Who wait on You, we'll wait for You
To lead us to the place where You'll restore our souls
And all our earthly strivings come to cease

Take from our souls the strain and stress
And let our ordered lives confess
The beauty of Your peace
The beauty of Your peace

Bright skies will soon be overhead
We'll enter in to Heaven's rest
There'll be no death, there'll be no pain
The things of old will pass away
You'll lead us to the place where You'll restore our souls
And all our earthly strivings come to cease

Isaiah 26:3
You will keep him in perfect peace,
Whose mind is stayed on You,
Because he trusts in You.

G.

I'm weeping as I write this. I'm literally overwhelmed with her pain.
I cant even imagine what it would be like.
Trying to get her to open up can be like twisting a jar lid with buttery fingers or waiting until a hermit crab comes out of its shell. She has no reason to trust anybody..

I don't know the full extent of what shes gone through. But I do know this. The pain is rooted deep.
Its taught her not to trust anybody, even herself. She doesnt know who she, just who others tell her she should be.

I'm glad she's found you. I hope she holds close to you. You are the only solution, every other pathway leads to destruction. You have big dreams for her- she is not defined by her circumstances. She may not know who she is- but you do. My prayer is that the broken mirror she looks into everyday would fade away, and that you would stand in its place and meet her face to face.

I'm no construction worker.

Living life on the firm ground
It aint easy sometimes but yet i know i’ll never fall
When my foundations on the rock
Nothing can shake me, nothing at all

Strong winds blow around me,
Life’s like a raging hurricane, my tears like raindrops
Sometimes there’s a rainbow
But I’ll stay standing, even when the storm stops

I’ll build my life on truth
Not on the sandy shore
(Oh It won’t be washed away)
I'll build my life on truth
On your word forevermore

Matthew 7:24-27

Lego castles.

Lately I've been finding it so hard to focus. I'm super frustrated with myself because I'm getting behind and whenever I try to do homework my mind goes a bunch of different places. I'm ancy I can't sit still and I just want to write music.

I want to write music so bad. I know I've been called to it. But I have no freakin clue how to play piano and my guitar skills are quite lacking. I feel like a child who wants to build a lego castle but doesnt even understand how to fit the pieces together in the first place.

I've been trying to learn guitar..I practice it alot..but it feels like I'm moving so slow. Every so often I hear and write a piece of a song and get so excited- but then I can't finish it.

God teach me patience. Help me to focus. I feel so ADD. Argh.

Tess

As the dead leaves fall.

When everything is dying around me I am reminded that the revival of Spring will come again.

Last night during a time of intimate worship during Vespers I repented for placing my hope and joy in my circumstances. These past two months have been harder than I ever thought. I need not tell you the things that have been causing me hardship-but I will instead channel these negative cirumstances into encouragement and joy- and share with you the lesson that God has been teaching me instead.

Ever since the Plbc retreat in September God has challenged me to rejoice in my sufferings. When the speaker talked about the difference between rejoicing in them and just grinning and bearing them- I came to the realization that grinning and bearing in my times of struggle was exactly what I had been doing.

So I thought about how I could get to that point where I could be overflowing with joy even when everything around me was falling apart..Was it simply a matter of a heart change? A constant self reminder that God worked for the good in all things?

I tried and tried in the past two months to get to that point and I somewhat succeeded..but really I was still desperate for a voice of direction from God. Well it came yesterday. After seeking and seeking ..building patience and an passionate desire to hear from him..he showed me simply that my joy had been placed in the hope that my circumstances would get better- it had been placed in the hope that he would intervene and fix everything just the way I thought he would. When the circumstances were good I was good, when they werent, I just felt crappy all the time.

What about finding my joy simply in him? In who he was? In his faithful promises to me?

Focusing on him, declaring his promises, and placing my joy simply in who He is during these hard times is the answer! As soon as my eyes are removed from my circumstances and put onto him I am able to respond with Joyful worship!

I got a picture of a tree in fall with its leaves dying and falling to ground during worship last night. I realized that my life looks like that right now- everything around me is dying and falling to ground. But then I saw that same tree budding with life- with new leaves and fruit, and I was reminded that the Spring of Healing is yet to come -maybe not the way I think it will- but God will not dissapoint.

The Revival of Spring will come again, but in this period of fall I will find my joy in him and nothing else.

Habakkuk 3:17 Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, 18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior.
19 The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer (so I will not stumble), he enables me to go on the heights. (so I can walk up the steep mountains).

Tess

I'm seasoning it with salt.

Lately God had really been breaking my heart for those placed in my life that don't know him. I care about them too much to not tell them anything about him. But see the thing I'm struggling with is...where do I draw the line between sharing my faith openly and being preachy? Its a difficult thing that I know alot of Christians in this day and age struggle with.

I started working at Eastside Marios again after a period of about 5 months which I spent living on dorms and in Seattle for the summer. I am enjoying building relationships with the people who came on the job while I was away and restoring those relationships with the people who I have worked with already. I thank God everytime I am there for the great opportunity to shed some of his light in this restaurant.

Being bombarded with gossip, bad language, and insults from frustrated employees often, I sometimes find it tempting to conform to that negative attitude too. When I share my opinion or try to shed some positive thinking into the conversation it feels like my comments just go in one ear and out the other, so sometimes I just don't say anything or participate. It's definitely frustrating but patience building at the same time..thank you Jesus.

You see the manager who first hired me was a good Christian friend of mine. He gave that restaurant a big dose of salty flavor. When hiring he looked especially for other Christians who could contribute to bringing the love of Christ into that restaurant, and I would say he succeeded, the light of God shined brighter in that place.

This angered people though. They thought that he treated the "Christians" better than them. So now there are a few that have a contempt held against us, a not so hidden grudge.

Seeing as I am one of those"Christians", I feel as if I am walking on really thin ice. I sometimes feel that if I share my faith too much..that they will just shut down, not talk to me anymore, and then talk hate speech to other servers about me. But I also know that letting those few people intimidate me will make me miss out on the opportunities I may get with others.

Each day before I go to work I pray "God please guide my actions, my words, and my attitude so that it may reflect upon you. Help me to know when to share and when to listen, and to show genuine love to everyone." I know that ultimately it is his workings that will transform people, and that the best I can do is be a willing vessel for sharing the love I've found in him.

I've decided that the best way to share my faith with those who don't know Jesus is too simply follow his leading, and what he is prompting me to do or say at the time. To share my faith means I don't let opportunities pass me by because I'm intimidated. To share my faith means listening and not always speaking. To share my faith means building trust. To share my faith means to accept that my opinions are not always going to be agreed with. To share my faith means to not underestimate the power of testimony. When non-Christians and Christians alike hear the word "Preachy" they cringe inside. Why? In my opinion its because it implies a forceful pressing of beliefs upon someone and in our democratic western culture we have "free choice"..well guess what? hearing the message of Jesus is convicting and thats why it can be uncomfortable to listen to- but the truth is we are never forced to believe it or even follow it- we still have that "free choice". So instead of letting that fear of being too preachy hold you back from sharing what you believe with those in your circle of influence (Yes! God put you there for a reason!)- go for it!

Just as it says in Britt Nicoles new song,

Don't let your lights go down

Don't let your fire burn out
'Cause somewhere, somebody needs a reason to believe
Why don't you rise up now?
Don't be afraid to stand out
That's how the lost get found
The lost get found

Colossians 4:5-6

⁵Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. ⁶Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.

I'm gonna season it with salt BABY!!

I'm in the Ring.

Life is hitting me hard. With every punch it takes I will stand Strong for nothing can bring me down when I have you.

Giving Thanks a New Perspective.

As I was about to board the bus yesterday to go to work. A homeless man came up to me and offered a few coats he had found. As I heard his voice I recognized that this was the same man who I had already talked with a whole bunch in previous times at the busstop. I smiled and asked him if he remembered me and he said yes. I dont remember his name, but he remains in my prayers often. We talked for a while about his daughter and grand-daughter that he goes and visits; he told me he dropped her off at school the other day. As our conversation progressed, he would take a swig of his liquor here and there. I asked him if hes ever thought he could stop drinking. He told me that he had seen others do it but he didnt think he ever could, "Nope!'. The hopelessness in his eyes broke my heart. I encouraged him and told him I would pray for him. We kept talking a bit when all of a sudden he ran onto the road and stuck his middle finger up at a car. It was kinda sad but funny at the same time. Even after the car drove away he just remained there, with a sluggish grin on his face. I asked him why he did that. His response was something like "People always just stare..they never think to just come by and just say hello! hi there! or give a smile, its not hard." ouch- there goes my heart again.

Think about that. How many times have you stared or walked by looking straight ahead in comparison to how many times you have actually taken a few min out of your day to say hello and ask them how they are doing. You know..it makes me angry. It makes me angry that people treat those less fortunate than them like scum on the sidewalk. Yes I understand some of you dont want to give money in fear that they will use it on drugs or alcohol or whatever but regardless could a few min out of your day to say hello and offer a prayer really be such a hard thing to do?

Its thanksgiving and I look at some of the things I have been blessed with. A family who loves me and cares for me even though there is lots of struggles, friends who support me, a relationship with the God of the universe who only does whats best for me, a loyal dog, a guitar to make music, an ipod to listen to music, a whole whackload of clothes, a computer to go on the internet and do assignments to get an education..ha an education.. when I told him I was going to work to make 8$ and hour to pay for my education- he looked at me like even being able to go to work was a blessing. Yes. Yes it is.

At young adults group last night we sang the song "God of Justice". It truly echoed the cry of my heart yesterday and today. Here are the lyrics.

God of Justice, Saviour to all
Came to rescue the weak and the poor
Chose to serve and not be served

Jesus, You have called us
Freely we've received Now freely we will give

We must go live to feed the hungry
Stand beside the broken
We must go
Stepping forward keep us from just singing
Move us into action
We must go

To act justly everyday
Loving mercy in everyway
Walking humbly before You God

You have shown us, what You require
Freely we've received Now freely we will give

Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out Lord

I was given a fresh Perspective yesterday on everything I have to be thankful for.
I did not deserve any of it, the love the freedom and all the blessings God has given me. Grace is being given something we dont deserve and Mercy is when we dont get what we deserve. I have been given both. Freely I've recieved, Now freely I will give.

James 1:17Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

Can we be people of Grace and Mercy? Will we go live to feed the hungry and stand beside the broken?

Move us into ACTION.

I will go? Will you?

I stand before you Whole.

I'm not going to deny that he hurt me. This summer I let him have a little hold on my heart, I let myself be vulnerable, I let myself think of him, and I let myself yearn for something I was not ready for.

I felt like we connected so well, there were so many things I loved about him, and his heart for God was pure and passionate- thats what got me right there. I got a glimpse at what a man with a thirst to serve others looked like. I saw someone else who loved adventure and living life on the edge like I did, someone who saw time as precious and something not to waste on indulging himself in comfortable things.

But you see..his heart was elsewhere, sure he felt the connection like I did, but his heart was still attached to somebody else. God knew that this was true, so he never ceased to keep that thought from fading.

God helped me guard my heart this summer and I am so thankful, and because he did, the small pain will fade away soon.

I have a sensitive heart and I always have- its no wonder I'm a musician :P When I love someone, I love deeply, so it really hurts me if they dont love me the same way. God has helped me to save that deep love and my whole heart for that one person in the future- I am so thankful that he has guided me so that it still remains whole. But another amazing thing about him is that even if we do give some of our heart away he can still completely restore it back to its wholeness once again if we let the things of the past go and build an intimate love relationship with him.

Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

I am glad we had what we had over the summer. Our friendship was good. I wish you hadn't told me that you had feelings for me too..I'll get over this fast..its no big deal..God taught me a lesson..and I think he did to for you too.

Tess

Two pieces of pie with bites taken out of them when put together do not create a whole..Only two whole pieces of pie put together can make the pie complete- and that is beautiful.

Open my eyes to your Perspective

With you there is nothing I cannot do.

As I was listening to Francesca Battistelli today, a talented, passionate, Godly vocalist, I felt the inspiration rising up inside of me. God has given me such big dreams- and it is so easy for me to shove them aside by telling myself that they are too big-that I dont have a chance, that I cannot achieve them, and that I've run out of time. But I know that those are just lies that I tell myself, and yes you bet the enemy uses them for all he can, perverting them to be bigger than they really are.

I know that God has plans for these dreams hes given me. If I give up on them, then I know I will feel like I've somehow given up on God.

I want to inspire, convict, and reveal truth to people through songs I write and sing. I want to help raise up leaders who are willing to take a stand for what they believe in, and go against the grain of the world. I want to see young girls with confidence, identity, and self worth and young men with courage, spiritual strength, and leadership.

These are only a few of my dreams...I have many more. I will not let self-discouragement or my lack of trust in God hinder me from pursueing these dreams anymore! I realize that they are a process- and only God knows what will come to pass- so I dedicate myself to seeking him daily, and working towards the little visions and dreams he is giving me right now.

I wrote this song in about 10 min. It is incomplete (like every other song I've written) and does not have a melody yet. But it will soon ;)

I had my dreams stored away

I put them in my pocket thinking

They were far too big for me

Now you’ve shown me that

I’ve got them for a reason

They are not just for a season

Cause if they were small I could achieve them on my own

But they are getting bigger each day cause I know that with you

There is nothing I cannot do

So Im gonna stop letting people tell me that

Im foolish for hoping, Im foolish for thinking

That there is possibility

Im gonna hold my head up high cause I got you

On my side, and I know there is nothing I cannot do

Oh yea..with you

I will push through the hard times and the good

As I reach higher towards this goal

I will Perservere and stand for these dreams

you gave me to pursue

cause I know the truth, that with you

there is nothing I cannot do

Keep Dreaming! Don't let self-discouragement, peoples criticism or your lack of trust in God stop you!

Tess

Wrecked.

The pieces were put together. They all fit perfectly.

Then a storm came around and blew the puzzle apart.

Now the pieces lie scattered. Not fixable by human hands.

The shapes and colours printed on them have faded, and fresh bright

streaks are painted overtop. The puzzle is put back together- the previous picture of its past will never return.

I thought I had it all together. I let my sinful pride tell me that I could get through anything,

that no struggle was too difficult for me, that I was strong.

Now I lie in pieces. The hardships at home, the financial burden for paying for school while I'm getting paid 8$ an hour, the feeling like all my friends in Coquitlam dont care for me anymore, the frustration of having no time for a social life and only ever doing homework..its all gotten to me, and now I lie in pieces, wrecked.

I met some beautiful girls at camp this summer..they came from an abusive homes and now abusive foster homes. They opened my eyes to true strength.

Man..If i think the things I am going through are hard..and if I am letting them tear me up, then I am not so strong as I thought. I've know that I've had a specific struggle with pride for awhile- and I have asked God to humble me many times. Well here it is-God showing me how weak I truly am without him and yet I am struggling with rejoicing in it.

I have come to the realizations that

1. I am so weak, and I will never be strong enough to get through anything. I will always end up in pieces if I get into thinking that I am strong enough to handle it without God.

2 God is strong. He will be my strength. I CAN get through anything with him.

3 I desperately need him. I am wrecked for him.

I have had to sacrifice so much in this last month and it has been so hard. But God has just revealed to me the solution-found in his strength- and helped me realize how weak I am without him.

Thank you for wrecking me father. I am ready to be repaired. and refilled by your strength. Thank you for the new picture you will paint over this season of my life from this time forward.

1 Corinthians 1:25 For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.

Colossians 1:10-12 And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, 11being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully 12giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light.

Tess

R.I.P Gumbo

I was given a zucchini today. It was the biggest one I have ever seen.
We dressed it up in christmas pajamas and then beheaded it.
Sounds brutal doesnt it.

Those are my friends. We are crazy. We dont mind doing things that other
people would think we were insane for. We tryed playing moffia tonight but it didnt
work out cause there was too many people.

Man. The friendships I have made this summer have impacted me so much. I dont
think those people truly know how much their complete acceptance and love has affected me. I feel like I'm leaving home. I feel like I'm leaving family and its so hard. even as I type this the tears stream down my face cause I realize how much I will really miss them. I know this isnt the end- I know that I will do whatever it takes to keep in touch with them.

My heart is so attached. I feel like a piece of it is being left here, with them. I really do.
My prayer is that they will grow into the great Godly leaders they are called to be, and will change the world through living lives of love, integrity, faith, and passion.

Tess

Little Fact of Life: Drama is a relationship killer.

Lets not make things bigger than they really are.

Fill in the holes.

Rid them of these lies
embedded in their heart
and in the place they used to be
your love will make its mark.

Were you told you'd never succeed
Believing that no worth could be found
within who you were

Were you told that you were alone
No one could ever understand
the pain and grief deep inside

Were you told no one could like you
unless you covered up who you really were
and did what others said

Were you told that were ugly
and needed to lose weight
in order to be truly accepted

Were you told that what you'd done
could never be forgiven
you would live in shame and guilt forever

Were you told that drinking soothes the pain
it'd help you to forget
the memories that haunt your thoughts

Were you told that the familys brokeness
was because of you
it could never be repaired

Were you told that causing yourself pain
was better than being numb
cause at least you felt something right?

What lies have you been told?

Integrity

Heres a valuable little piece of insight I came across today..

What is True Integrity?

An integer is a math term meaning a whole number like 5, 20, or 100.

The opposite of an integer is a fraction like 1/2 or 1/3.

Integ-rity means wholeness, completeness, or entirety.

Another similar word is integ-rated- this is when all aspects are working together in harmony.

Ever wondered why when Galatians 5:22-23 refers to fruit as a singular noun but then lists nine character traits?

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."

Why isnt it plural?

This is because when we strive to become more Christ-like in everything we do, we bear all varieties of the fruit at once. We cant be gentle and at the same time unkind. We cant be loving and at the same time unpatient. When we allow God to work in us and change us to be more like him we grow in all of these character traits together, they are all integ-rated. We arent going to be fragmented when Gods character is developed in us.

Integrity is the wholeness or fullness that results from developing a Godly Christ-like Character.

Another person wont make you whole, the right partner wont make you whole, marriage wont make you whole, the right group wont make you whole, and the right job certainly wont make you whole.

Only a love relationship with God will produce the Godly character that will make you a person of integrity-a whole person.

I want to make my love relationship with God the most important thing in my life and I want it to be evident in everything I do.

In Psalms 32:8 God says "I will guide thee with mine eye."

How can that be? How can God guide a person with His eye? If the eye is silent and makes no noise, the only way I can recieve guidance from God's eye is to be looking directly at Him.

If I keep my eyes focused only on him and follow his guide-I know he will make me whole. I know he will make me a person of true integrity.

Tess

Its OK to feel dissapointed.
Its OK to feel let down.

But how you choose to deal with it..
thats what really counts.

Do you look ahead with hope
or do you sigh with despair?

Can you trust hes got it all planned out
Can you trust that he cares?

Will you perservere through the fire
or be held back by the pain?

Its OK to ask for help
Its Ok to say:

"God I need your guidance
In everything I do
cause without you I am lost
without you I am through
Though I cant see my future
I'll always understand
That through this life, in its ups and downs
you'll lead me by the hand."

Tess

dreams in white.

Written on July 10 09

Up until only a few months ago I used to look at the girls who told me they had their ring and dress already picked out with disgust. (maybe I still do a little bit) I had rarely ever looked in a wedding catalog at dresses and rings and marriage was almost never on my mind.

I resisted the urge to ask them
"Do you even know the meaning of marriage? Do you know that marriage is more than just the ceremony, dress, and ring? That it is a lifelong commitment that requires sacrifice, hard work and serving you spouse? Do you know that love means commitment? It means giving of yourself even when you dont feel like it. It is a constant choice to love that person despite their human errors and mistakes.

I thought they were silly, naive little girls who were already planning out their wedding when they didnt even know what it meant to be in a relationship.

Now I find myself watching "Say Yes to the Dress" and "Cake Boss" with Roberta..and possibly really enjoying them. I find myself looking up bridal gowns online and wondering what mine will ever look like. I find myself dreaming about weddings and even getting nightmares about them.

Last night I dreamt that I was a bride in a pre-aranged marriage. It was my wedding day and I had never met the guy I was getting married to before. I was nervous and worried because I didnt know what he would be like and over a 100 of my friends and family were there for this huge reception. When I started walking down the aisle I saw him standing at the altar for the first time and was horrified. He was only about 5"3 and had short curly orange hair in a ponytail. He had a patchy mexican mustache and a whiny voice. AHHH! I exchanged vows and went through the ceremony..I even kissed him because I didnt want to humiliate him in front of everyone by saying no. At the end I told him I couldnt marry him- broke his heart- and woke up with a big sigh of relief.

I want to know the man I marry..Really KNOW him. I have made a promise to God that I will only enter into relationship with someone I have a solid friendship with first. I want the man I marry to be my spiritual encourager, my lover, and most of all my best friend.

I am realizing that the young spirited girl too mature for her age is dissapearing- and the passionate woman ready to embrace what being independant and serving another person really means is becoming.

Tess

Beating together.

Your timing is always Perfect.

In every moment may my heart beat in synch with yours.