dreams in white.

Written on July 10 09

Up until only a few months ago I used to look at the girls who told me they had their ring and dress already picked out with disgust. (maybe I still do a little bit) I had rarely ever looked in a wedding catalog at dresses and rings and marriage was almost never on my mind.

I resisted the urge to ask them
"Do you even know the meaning of marriage? Do you know that marriage is more than just the ceremony, dress, and ring? That it is a lifelong commitment that requires sacrifice, hard work and serving you spouse? Do you know that love means commitment? It means giving of yourself even when you dont feel like it. It is a constant choice to love that person despite their human errors and mistakes.

I thought they were silly, naive little girls who were already planning out their wedding when they didnt even know what it meant to be in a relationship.

Now I find myself watching "Say Yes to the Dress" and "Cake Boss" with Roberta..and possibly really enjoying them. I find myself looking up bridal gowns online and wondering what mine will ever look like. I find myself dreaming about weddings and even getting nightmares about them.

Last night I dreamt that I was a bride in a pre-aranged marriage. It was my wedding day and I had never met the guy I was getting married to before. I was nervous and worried because I didnt know what he would be like and over a 100 of my friends and family were there for this huge reception. When I started walking down the aisle I saw him standing at the altar for the first time and was horrified. He was only about 5"3 and had short curly orange hair in a ponytail. He had a patchy mexican mustache and a whiny voice. AHHH! I exchanged vows and went through the ceremony..I even kissed him because I didnt want to humiliate him in front of everyone by saying no. At the end I told him I couldnt marry him- broke his heart- and woke up with a big sigh of relief.

I want to know the man I marry..Really KNOW him. I have made a promise to God that I will only enter into relationship with someone I have a solid friendship with first. I want the man I marry to be my spiritual encourager, my lover, and most of all my best friend.

I am realizing that the young spirited girl too mature for her age is dissapearing- and the passionate woman ready to embrace what being independant and serving another person really means is becoming.

Tess