How long?

It started out casual and ended with a whole lot of tears. A dear friend asked me how I was doing yesterday. Before I knew it I was soaking the carpet beneath me as I fought through conflicted emotions explaining that I felt like God has hid his face from me. I have sought His advice lately and gotten no reply or lead, and I have called out to him for guidance and received none. I feel like God has shut off his cell phone. This is a hard concept for me to grasp because I know that God is always present with me-and even though I feel like he has disappeared His hand is still withholding me and leading me. My friend gave me a new perspective on my situation by pointing out to me that there was a few hundred years of time between the New-testament and Old testament where God didn't speak-and that He uses times like these to cause desperation leading to full dependency. ( A belief/action that demonstrates that I cannot do life on my own!) She also mentioned that periods of waiting and silence often occur right before we are launched into something God has prepared for us to do.

This brought encouragement and thankfulness into my heart. I have tried to trust God and seek him out despite the lack of vision I feel. Vision is something that fires me up and keeps me passionate about doing great things for Him. I had it so strongly last year and believe it is reflected in some of my earlier posts. When I have vision I feel secure in knowing what I need to do next. But that vision is not Jesus-it one of the gifts He gives us to help us walk confidently in his will- but without it I am learning to find my contentment simply in who He is and in joy that I am able to have a relationship with Him at all.

David sums up how I feel in a piece of poetic genius.

Psalm 13

¹ How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
² How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

³ Look on me and answer, LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
⁴ and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

⁵ But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
⁶ I will sing the LORD’s praise,
for he has been good to me.

Tess