Running Freely in Grace

Lately I have been so lost for words at what to write down on here. There are so many things going on in my life that I can't find the time or the zeal to blog much anymore.

The life has been sucked out of me, by the frantic mix of my job and school, by the expectations of my family on me, and the expectations I've had on myself. I've been broken, my spirit's been pushed down by the burdens that come from trying to pay for school, change my family, and become a better person, all on my own. I honestly don't know how I expected to see transforming change in my life without actively seeking God through time spent in devotion with him.

Today I had a friend share a vision for me. It was exactly what I needed to hear and God's direct way of telling me to give these burdens over to him to handle. She told me that she saw me as a horse carrying baggage like a pack mule, working so hard and feeling so tired day after day. She told me that God doesn't see me that way, he sees me as a wild stallion running free in his love. I need to let him be the one who takes the reins and breaks me for his cause.

I started weeping in astonishment because that is the EXACT same vision God gave me as a child. To give you some background I will read to you and excerpt from an journal entry written a year or so ago.

"I saw my spirit like a stallion! In Flicka and the Black Stallion the horses were so wild and free but there was always someone or something trying to break them. My parents have tried to break my spirit but I have never let them. I made a vow as a child to never let that happen.

Lord I pray though that you would break me. I've realized that you've given me that spirit and fire for a reason- to proclaim your name to those who feel hurt and lost- broken by the world."

God kept repeating the six words "lean not on your own understanding." over and over again to me this morning. I know that its what I have to do to be released into his freedom again, to be broken for his cause, not broken under the baggage of the world.

So this is my prayer.

Dear Father,

I stand broken by the world and taking its baggage onto my shoulders again. I stand letting the things of this temporary earthly life take priority over spending time with you. I cannot change my family, I cannot change myself, and I cannot know your heart without the fullness of deep relationship with you.

God I know that the only place I find true freedom is in your love and grace. I commit to doing whatever it takes to make time for devotions and a sabbath.

I'll hand you the reins, I'll run free in your grace, I'll learn to love you all over again.

Tess