Procrastination coupled with Busyness says "I can never really fail if I never really give myself a chance to try."

I don't know why I do it, but I always fill my life to the maximum with activites. I know my times with God have suffered because of it. Even my blogs reflect a lack of activity.

I am a goal-seeker, an activist, a dreamer. I don't like to waste my time watching lots of movies or doing self-indulgent activities. I would rather be out there seeing the world, spending time with people, and doing ministry than sitting in front of a screen.

But yet..my relationship with God still is nowhere near what I would like it to be. I see now I have failed to realize in action, that my vision and strength and energy to go out and do work for God comes from the rest and time spent with him. I am inefficient in everything I do if I am not filled with the strength that comes from God.

I feel like my vision for my future has faded. And I know the main reason for this is because I haven't spent alot of time in silence and solitude and rest in God. Busyness does not equate fruitfulness. I cannot discover my calling and God's will for me if I am not spending time receiving wisdom from him.

I will tell you a story to help you understand. In this story there were two friends, John and Jason. Both of them worked at the same company and were vieing for the same raise and higher position.

John studied hard, he spent time reviewing the business strategies, developing a plan and preparing the skills required to do the job. Then he set out to do it.

Jason on the other hand was confident in his knowledge already, he barely studied but went out and started promoting himself to people and marketing his skills hoping that he could show his boss he could do the job.

If the boss were to look at both John and Jason-who would he give the job to?

Our answer should be John. John's work ethic showed his boss that he was serious about what he was about to do. He spent time in careful preparation so that he could do his job well. He didn't trust in what he knew and jump right into the situation like Jason did, which left lots of room for errors, but he made sure he had stored up the vision and character and skills required to do his job efficiently.

Looking at my life right now I would like to be like John, but my approach is more like Jasons.

Busyness is just one more way I can distract myself from the difficult work and diligent discipline required to achieve my goals. It is a form of procrastination.

In freedom session we learned that procrastination is a form of avoiding pain or difficulty by avoiding it and putting it off till later. Procrastination says "I am afraid of failure." Busyness says "I can do it on my own." Procrastination coupled with busyness says "I can never really fail if I never really give myself a chance to try."

Next semester my life needs to change. Busyness can no longer be an excuse for missing devotions or time spent with God. My future is not clear right now, but my eyes have not been focused in the right direction.

God has taught me alot this semester, some very hard lessons, but I have a feeling this one will be the toughest and most rewarding of them all.

Tess

God knows my desires better than I do.

Ever had a moment where God surprises you with just a little hint as to how he's working in your life? You just want to jump up and down with joy because you realize he has been working for your good even when it seems like he hasn't. Well, I had one of those moments the other day at work. You could probably tell by my smile.

I was bussing a table and moping to myself about the big financial burden I am trying to pay off on 8 dollars and hour. I started thinking about how much easier things would be if I could only serve and make more money. It started to dawn on me that I have been placing my faith and pursuit of happiness in the idea of making more money rather than trusting in God's purposes (once again). I am going to try to summarize the conversation God and I had directly afterwards.

"Tess what do you really want in life? What are the deepest desires of your heart?"
"To be like you Jesus in everything that I do."
"Do you really think that making more money is gonna lead you closer to that desire?"
"Uhh..No. I think it would actually make me be farther from being like you God."
"Why?"
"Because I would place my trust for happiness in money, I would give it the control over everything that I do. It would never be enough for me and I would end up being a greedy, prideful, and bitter person. "
"Is that what you want?"
"No God..but.."
"But what would shape you to become like me?"

Then it dawned on me. All the trials and tests and unfair circumstances I have been put through at Eastside Marios have actually led me closer to my deepest desires of being like Jesus and giving him glory. Gaining lots of money and being comfortable never would have. At Eastside Marios I have learned patience, how to perservere in suffering, how to place my finances in God's hand, how to become bolder in sharing my faith, how to cry out to him in my pain, and how to rejoice even in the difficult.

"You see daughter I only have good purposes in mind for you and I will fulfill every desire of your heart in my timing"
"Thank you God. I love you so much. Words can't even describe how great you are!"

This realization has given me new hope and trust. Even though things are still really hard and I can even feel the pain of everything I have gone through at this job fill my heart as I write I am glad that he has put me there. He has brought light out of my darkness and once again proved to me that he is indeed very Trustworthy.

John 1:5 "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."

Tess

I am getting sick on the craziest and busiest last two weeks of school. Immune system please get better soon!

God is Good. Don't ever doubt it!

Prayers from a contrite heart.

God I give it all up.

I need you. I am desperate for you.

Without your intervention I am a lost soul

left to my own devices.

This life is not easy-and you never promised it would be

but you promised you would never fail me

and your promises never fail.

You are a God who never fails,

and I will rejoice in that.

Despite my circumstances you remain good

you sustain me, give me the strength to carry on

and remind me that I have a purpose worth living for.

Your purposes for me are unfathomable

I cannot comprehend the amazing glory you have in store for those who seek you

Jesus you are the center of all I live for

You are the reason for everything good in this world

Everything worth suffering for

Love is not shown when it is easy to forgive

But it is shown when forgiveness is given to those undeserving

I am undeserving.

Thank you Jesus for your amazing Love.

Father I repent for my sins

I repent for my frustration and anger towards you

You shower mercy on me every day

When I deserve your anger and wrath

But yet I pour anger and wrath on you

for things undeserving

Father you deserve my worship, you deserve my praise

I will serve you for all of my days

Because of who you are-

Not because of the things you give me

But because you are Just, Holy, Loving, Forgiving, Merciful,

All-powerful All-knowing and All-present

I will live to make you known.

Amen

I recognize that all of these prayers mean nothing unless they are followed by action.

May I seal them with my deeds.

How long?

It started out casual and ended with a whole lot of tears. A dear friend asked me how I was doing yesterday. Before I knew it I was soaking the carpet beneath me as I fought through conflicted emotions explaining that I felt like God has hid his face from me. I have sought His advice lately and gotten no reply or lead, and I have called out to him for guidance and received none. I feel like God has shut off his cell phone. This is a hard concept for me to grasp because I know that God is always present with me-and even though I feel like he has disappeared His hand is still withholding me and leading me. My friend gave me a new perspective on my situation by pointing out to me that there was a few hundred years of time between the New-testament and Old testament where God didn't speak-and that He uses times like these to cause desperation leading to full dependency. ( A belief/action that demonstrates that I cannot do life on my own!) She also mentioned that periods of waiting and silence often occur right before we are launched into something God has prepared for us to do.

This brought encouragement and thankfulness into my heart. I have tried to trust God and seek him out despite the lack of vision I feel. Vision is something that fires me up and keeps me passionate about doing great things for Him. I had it so strongly last year and believe it is reflected in some of my earlier posts. When I have vision I feel secure in knowing what I need to do next. But that vision is not Jesus-it one of the gifts He gives us to help us walk confidently in his will- but without it I am learning to find my contentment simply in who He is and in joy that I am able to have a relationship with Him at all.

David sums up how I feel in a piece of poetic genius.

Psalm 13

¹ How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
² How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

³ Look on me and answer, LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
⁴ and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

⁵ But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
⁶ I will sing the LORD’s praise,
for he has been good to me.

Tess

I love my friends deeply.

If you see me smiling at you for no apparent reason

It's cause I'm thanking God for our friendship

If you hear me laughing and see the tears of joy well up in my eyes

It's cause I appreciate your humor more than you know

If I go to you with my deep thoughts and feelings

I'm being vulnerable because I trust you

Thank you Lord for friends. Although I may not have many close ones right now, I am so grateful for the ones who continue to stand by me, the ones who do not let distance cause a divide in our relationship. Jesus I pray that you would help me to make more close friends. Bring people into my life who I can be a support and encouragement to. Amen.