I fall deep.

Sometimes I feel like artists put words to my emotions so well that I don't even have to try. In this case its Kelly Clarkson's song I don't hook up. The chorus goes

Oh, no, I do not hook up, up, I come slow
So if you want me, I don't come cheap
Keep your hand in my hand, your heart on your sleeve
Oh, no, I do not hook up, up, I fall deep
'Cause the more that you try the harder I'll fight
To say goodnight

I'm not going to give myself away to just anyone. The work of Jesus in me is helping me to become the woman I am meant to be to support and love the man I marry wholeheartedly. Sometimes its just so difficult to wait for the refining process to be done with, especially if the person you admire and appreciate and believe in is not leaving your heart.

Killing the inner critic.

Lately I have been really fighting the inner critic inside of me. It criticizes others but more often than not it criticizes me. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough, that I'm unloved, and that I'm too _________ (fill in the blank) for anyone to accept me, believe in me or want to be with me.

This struggle is starting to show its ugly fruit in my life and I know I need to stop feeding it asap. It holds me back from leadership (because I don't believe in myself) it depresses me at work (I'm always afraid of being let go) and it causes me to procrastinate pursuing my dreams (I don't want to face failure).

Something inside of me seems to tell me that if I only had friends or family who told me more wonderful things about myself that I would be more confident but I know that it's not true. My confidence should never be dependent on people because if it were people would be able to control my ability to live the free and faith-filled life I should be living simply by their words and actions. I would be held in the chains of others opinions.

I know there is a leader inside of me, a confident and determined spirit ready to dream big and step out into the things God has planned, but I also know that their is a spirit of insecurity inside me that whispers lies and holds me captive to its words. It always prevents the confident one from coming out.

I know many of you can identify with a similar inward battle so that is why I am sharing this. I have not yet figured out how to get rid of this spirit for good or how to put it to death but I do know that it has something to do with 1.) Understanding Grace 2.) Understanding God's love for me and 3.) Taking every thought captive and changing my perception of myself.

I was thinking about going on an internship that takes you all around the United states and Canada ministering to young girls about God's love, God's plan, and self-esteem but I chose not to this year. I cannot sufficiently minister to others about these things when I have yet to believe them or know them myself.

I am learning that it is Ok to be vulnerable, its Ok to make mistakes, and it's OK to be wrong. I am not perfect nor is anybody so why should I expect myself to be. I am learning that my self-esteem should not be found in those around me. It is clear to me that I am placing my worth in people when I am comfortable and able to be myself easily around those who love me but am uncomfortable or insecure around those who don't or I want to impress. I am learning that humility is not being afraid to admit my flaws or mistakes but being comfortable enough with who I am that I openly talk about my struggles in order to correct them and encourage others who are struggling with similar things.

If you are facing any of these similar struggles I encourage you to begin to ask God how he sees you. It is difficult to change our views of ourselves when we have had them so long but God's love cannot be underestimated. As I discover who I am and who God made me to be I hope you do too.

Tess

"You never know what God's going to do so don't despise simple humble beginnings" -Mark Driscoll

Treasure in jars of clay.

As I was talking with a new friend tonight a bundle of words fell from my mouth about some ways I noticed God was using her. She began to cry and almost winced at my encouragement like she had never heard it before. At that moment I felt like God whispered these words to me so gently but boldly

"Sometimes all people need is someone to believe in them."

God believes in me, my mentor believes in me, some of my friends believe in me, and my parents believe in me although sometimes their expectations are a little different. This has made a world of difference in giving me the courage to do the things I have and will.

I feel as if God has given me this specific mission. To believe in those around me and to help them be all that He has made them to be. To find his heart in every circumstance and for every person by looking through the flaws and brokenness to find the beauty he has put within them.

Lord you are so good to me

the desires in my heart.

Its your life what you gonna do, the world is watching you

every day the choices you make say what you are and who.

I'm sick of being selfish and self-seeking. I'm tired of my own apathy and procrastination. I know what I have been called to and I'm gonna do it. I'm not going to let the voice inside my head that tells me I am not good enough win out over God's voice which tells me I am good enough by his grace.

I want to be a woman of boldness, beautiful character and a quiet spirit that seeks to please the Lord. I want to be different, set apart in my joy and my love for others. I want to take action for the things that break the Lord's heart and not sit around pursuing my own best interests. I want to be someone inspiring, someone people look to for wisdom and encouragement.

Mostly though, I want to be an example of the Love of Jesus Christ. Love that is patient and kind. Love that does not envy and does not boast. Love that does not dishonor others and is not self-seeking. Love that is not easily angered and does not keep a record of wrongs. Love that does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. Love that always protects, trust, hopes and perserveres.

Father I am humbled before you. These are my deepest desires.

Your daughter.

Am I getting ahead of myself or what?

My Book List for 2011 so far

Books in Progress:

Biblical Preaching-Haddon Robinson
Deep Preaching-Kent Edwards
Christian Athiest-Craig Groeschel
I don't have enough faith to be an Athiest-Frank Turek and Norman Geisler
Knowing God-JI Packer
Intro to Christian Doctrine-Milliard J Erickson
Boundaries-Dr. Henry Cloud

Books to Read:

The Power of Reason- Tim Keller
Miracles- CS Lewis
Chosen but Free- Norman Geisler
Counterfeit Gods- Tim Keller
Battlefield of the Mind- Joyce Meyers
Ravi Zacharias-End of Reason
Evangelism and the Sovereignty of God-JI Packer
Screwtape Letters-CS Lewis

I will hold on.

I've lost my job and so much more, but my God is good and trustworthy despite my circumstances. He will always provide what I need. I can't let go of that promise right now.