Pressing forward.

I wish that I could look upon your face
that I could touch the power in your hand

that I could feel your emotions as you watch your children
walk through the path of life

I want to be that girl that smiled with
the love of God- that was breathless with joy as your
voice penetrated her heart.

I dont want to feel inadequate- insufficient- discouraged in your plan for me.
I dreamed BIG- trusted that you'd placed a special calling upon me.

But I feel as if I am losing hope. Losing confidence in my giftings, losing confidence in my abilities
and losing confidence in this annointing you have placed upon me.

Lord what do you have for me? I feel as if my future is so near but yet so unknown.
I will keep holding on tight.

He Does love me.

Today I sit in the bed of a house I've never really known. I am embraced by a family I have never really known and I am learning about a culture I have never really known. I am in Victoria right now visiting my father- yes my biological father..the one who gave me my brown eyes and hair, my outstanding memory, but also my ability to overanalyze. It has been about 2 years since I last saw him but he has not changed much from how I remembered him.

I guess I was always ignorant of the fact that he loved me when I was younger. Sometimes I just wished I could forget about him and he would go away. I never saw him- it felt like he never tried to see me, yet alone call me- so I just gave up on him.

Being here hurts a little. It is not because I am angry at him or upset that he was absent for most of my life but because I realize how much I could have learned from him that I didnt. I realize that a life spent with him in it would have made me a much happier little girl.

Its confusing because I've never had to sort through this kind of stuff before..hes always been the "other" one- the one I never see and the one who sends me money. Whenever I have said I love you over the phone it has always felt somewhat obligated.

I never called him, never emailed him, never sent him pictures because I was comfortable with the life I had and didnt need another complication. I was bitter that he never phoned me, or emailed me so I decided to return the favor.

Now that I have spent 2 days here I see the love that I had been so ignorant of.
My camera just died and my parents back home told me to get film cameras to last through my internship- I was devasted. I did not have a single cent to buy a new one. He bought me one today, no questions asked because he realized how much I needed it. When he smiled at me his eyes spoke a silent language "Where have you been? I've missed you."

He Does love me.

As I was writing this God reminded me that this situation is very similar to what I've done to him before. I have been ignorant of his love- hes reached out to me but because I was so comfortable with my life and didnt want any extra "complications" I never responded. He has always loved me and always will.

I am going to try to make a better effort to invest into getting to know my earthly father better. There is so much I still can learn from him about myself and who I am. Hes teaching me about my Persian culture-I had a iranian meal for dinner tonight and it was so good.

I'm not going to be ignorant of his love any longer. He doesnt deserve it, I dont deserve it.

We are tied together by God.

Live. Laugh. Be free.

Looking back on this year I can recount numerous so called "embarrassing moments"- they follow me everywhere, Its a condition I think. I call it makingafooloutofmyself247osis.

Yes I am a crazy one and Yes I am not afraid to do random spontaneous things in public either. Yes I admit that sometimes people think I am strange and Yes I will also confess that I am totally indifferent when they do.

Just last Saturday evening I was singing at a friends church to raise money for Thailand. The night started off well but I kept getting pains in my stomach. Mistaking them for cramps I kept going-BAD IDEA. When Sam called me up to sing a song, I carried myself from the kitchen confidently to the front with a smile on my face. As I stood in front of the microphone and began to sing I started to feel sick. "OH NO!" I thought and stopped singing. With a shocked look on my face I muttered to the audience that I didnt think I could sing anymore because I felt sick. I took three steps and projectile vomited all over the floor.
*pause

(According to serena I had perfect form). ahhh. talk about embarrassing. While I was in the bathroom puking some more, guess where the members of the audience were- cleaning it up! Later that night I decided to try again. While I could sense a little hesitance in the audience I made sure to bring up my pukebucket with me and sit this time haha.

Let me just say that it was the laugh of the night and the plbc laugh of the week. The funniest part of it all was that no one had even expected it- I had appeared joyful and bouncy until I was doubled over upchucking. I wasnt really embarrassed by it- these are normal occurances really- but will make one heck of a good story later on my music escapades.

Learning to laugh at myself has given me a good sense of humour *quote Jaki.
It has made my life exciting and funny and taught me not to always care about recieving others approval on the things I do.

For God gave me my identity and I will find it in him. I am not defined by who the world says I should be and what I should become.

The freedom of being myself, knowing myself, and knowing and following the one who created myself- is the greatest freedom I have known.

LIVE A LITTLE.

Tessaroonie ;)

I think I have self-diagnosed myself with CHRONIC PROCRASTINATION.

The "Crucified"

"Loving God is like hugging a teddy bear. You hug him and even though he doesnt hug you back you know he loves you more than the world itself."

One of my youth girls said this on Thursday. I was so encouraged by her simple child-like faith.

Although I pour wisdom into my youth girl's lives I find almost every time that we meet I learn from them as well. Sometimes the truth is so simple. We just got to have the humility to recieve it. The faith that some of my girls have to stand up for what they believe, in their schools and to their friends is greater than most teenagers and young adults I know. It continues to inspire me.

God is raising up followers that will take a STAND for the truth with a real and genuine passion.
He is raising up a generation of the "Crucified". I pray that we would be willing to lose our lives for Christ and take up our crosses and follow him.

Luke 9:23
" Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."

Luke 17:33
"Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it."

Tess.

I am running to you.

I hate being confused.

Lord I need your assurance.

I have been trying to do things on my own.

Help me to trust in your plan.

Because without faith it is impossible to please you.

I am weak..but in you I am made strong.

I Believe. You got this. You got me.

Hebrews 11:6 " And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."

I promise you I will never stop seeking.

Your daughter.

The Great Goose Chase!

Joleen and I decided to chase Canadian Geese today..it was EXHILARATING!

The adrenaline pulsed through my veins with the thought that one of them could turn their sharp little beaks on me at any moment.

But we pretty much showed them who was BOSS.

so yea..

Sincerely yours.

Tessaroonie ;)