Its funny to me that about 90% of my blogs are written past 10pm haha.

I think I found the face of my future husband tonight. Only problem is we haven't officially met. haha.

Want to know something kinda-but not so secret about me? I have a huge weakness for beautiful blue eyed brown haired musicians.

Tess

One piece at a time.

Pride is like a pair of shades

Makes you see life in a different way

I’m better than them I’m better than this

I deserve what’s best I don’t deserve this

I’m fine without that I’m strong enough on my own

They may need it but I sure don’t

Jealousy is like a pair of tight jeans

You start walking in life uncomfortably

I wish I had that I wish I had him

Why does she get it all while I’m left with this

What used to cause contentment

Now serves to cause resentment

if happiness is founded on earthly things you’ll soon be affected

I’m seeing new things I’ve never seen

About the hidden things inside of me

Your tearing away the disguise

One piece at a time

Some people have life so easy it seems. School is paid for, they don't have to work, they have lots of time for a social life and to go enjoy the adventures of life, and their family gets along. They also have time to give. Thats what I long for, if I could I would just drop my job right now and go serve for the Olympics every single day.

I'm trying not to envy them but its extremely hard. God why am I in this situation? I guess I just gotta count the blessings I do have and keep trusting that he will use this difficult situation in some way to bring himself glory.

Because its not about me is it.

Tess

My Annual Singleness Blog :) hehe

Well..its 12:00am Feb 14. Valentines Day :) Single again but completely content with it.

I'm celebrating the one who is LOVE and all that encompasses it. Spending my whole life being single is a blessing I think. I'm learning to please God with my whole self before I learn to please someone else too. I was listening to a seminar on Christ centered relationships by Francis Chan (author of crazy love) and his wife Lisa Chan, they talked about what it really meant for a relationship to be "Christ centered" and how marriage should come under the perspective of the greater call of God. There are so many greater things than spending our time fighting or arguing for "what we deserve" or "our rights". Really, our marriage is only temporary, it is a covenant of God and something treasured by him, but it will pass away just like other earthly things and should not be idolized.

I'm excited to get married someday don't get me wrong but I know I'm exactly where God wants me to be right now. There are alot of things in the near future that God has called me to that I know I could probably not do if I was in a relationship right now, such as serving in Africa for 6 months for example.

Its extremely hard sometimes being single, my flesh longs for that earthly love, but God gives me the strength to turn that desire into a desire to please him each time. Being single is teaching me patience and perseverance. It is also teaching me to find my identity and first love in the Lord. I pray for my future husband every so often, and when I do, I pray that he would be learning these things too.

Tess

Running Freely in Grace

Lately I have been so lost for words at what to write down on here. There are so many things going on in my life that I can't find the time or the zeal to blog much anymore.

The life has been sucked out of me, by the frantic mix of my job and school, by the expectations of my family on me, and the expectations I've had on myself. I've been broken, my spirit's been pushed down by the burdens that come from trying to pay for school, change my family, and become a better person, all on my own. I honestly don't know how I expected to see transforming change in my life without actively seeking God through time spent in devotion with him.

Today I had a friend share a vision for me. It was exactly what I needed to hear and God's direct way of telling me to give these burdens over to him to handle. She told me that she saw me as a horse carrying baggage like a pack mule, working so hard and feeling so tired day after day. She told me that God doesn't see me that way, he sees me as a wild stallion running free in his love. I need to let him be the one who takes the reins and breaks me for his cause.

I started weeping in astonishment because that is the EXACT same vision God gave me as a child. To give you some background I will read to you and excerpt from an journal entry written a year or so ago.

"I saw my spirit like a stallion! In Flicka and the Black Stallion the horses were so wild and free but there was always someone or something trying to break them. My parents have tried to break my spirit but I have never let them. I made a vow as a child to never let that happen.

Lord I pray though that you would break me. I've realized that you've given me that spirit and fire for a reason- to proclaim your name to those who feel hurt and lost- broken by the world."

God kept repeating the six words "lean not on your own understanding." over and over again to me this morning. I know that its what I have to do to be released into his freedom again, to be broken for his cause, not broken under the baggage of the world.

So this is my prayer.

Dear Father,

I stand broken by the world and taking its baggage onto my shoulders again. I stand letting the things of this temporary earthly life take priority over spending time with you. I cannot change my family, I cannot change myself, and I cannot know your heart without the fullness of deep relationship with you.

God I know that the only place I find true freedom is in your love and grace. I commit to doing whatever it takes to make time for devotions and a sabbath.

I'll hand you the reins, I'll run free in your grace, I'll learn to love you all over again.

Tess

the thing that kills me is not that I am the weak link sometimes, its the wish that I could be a strong link so I could help the other weak links get stronger too.