Pain. There is never a shortage of it in my life. It is exhausting. Today I faced it head on and found myself hurting more deeply than I have allowed myself in a while. Ignoring my pain has never made it go away.

Just because I am a broken person does not mean I am spiritually weak or unstable. In fact I think it makes me beautiful, reflecting how God can heal and restore me in my broken-ness when I submit to Him.

I am ready to walk into this pain and stop denying it's existence. God please hold me close or else I'll fall to pieces.

What is it in me
That hangs on for so long
Why do I fight the tears that come?
I work so hard to
Keep in control when
All that I want is to let go

Tess

I need a Faith.

The more I walk with Christ the harder it seems to get. It seems that as my faith grows there are many more challenges I am faced with that test my faith as if to make sure it will not falter when storms come.

God of course supplies me with what I need to get through the challenges. This teaches me to rely on Him for strength, but the way I see it my circumstances do not always change for the better becoming easier and more comfortable as I would like them to.

I am really struggling at my job right now. I get paid minimum wage to work my butt off in a stressful disorganized restaurant. I get treated like Crap * to say it lightly* but yet I feel the need to show my friends at work that I am set apart and have light by staying joyful and not letting these things bring me down.

I feel like a failure at doing this alot of the time. I leave work frustrated after almost every shift, with some sort of complaint in my mouth. I want to change but despite my efforts I fail.

The thing is..as long as I am trying on my own to be joyful and set apart its not gonna work. God is the one who supplies my joy and sets me apart. I need more faith to trust that despite my attempts to find another job (nothing yet) He has a purpose still for me at my current job. Please pray for me as it is very hard to stay patient and endure these hard circumstances and financial strains.

I need a faith that will trust in the unseen

I need a faith that will help me to believe

That my God will supply everything that I need

I need a faith that will prove He lives in me

Tess

One letter actually makes all the difference.

So my road test is October 27th.

I had my first driving lesson today and there is lots of stuff I still need to practice. Go figure.

The thing is...I am DESPERATE I mean DESPERATE to have the freedom that comes along with the one simple letter "N". I am sick of missing buses, being late, and not being able to do the things I want (including ministry) because they are too far away to bus to or would take a bajillion hours to get to via transit.

My point being, I NEED to pass my roadtest as it will take me another 2-3 months before I can take it again.

I know I have been asking for alot of prayer lately but its only because I believe that God does answer and is faithful when we call on him in truth and it aligns with His will.

So if your reading this right now please say a little prayer for me asking God to give me the skills and focus I need to do well on my roadtest and the time to practice.

Thanks!

Thoughts on Community.

I haven't blogged in a while and right now I am just bursting at the seams with things I want to say. I was at Rock the River tonight with the youth group of CAC and it was alot of fun! But mostly because of the people I was with.

I knew so many people there that every twenty feet I would be greeted by someone who I had made memories with. I felt so loved and involved in the christian community of the Lower Mainland and a part of what God is doing in the area.

It got me thinking about the community and Christ-like relationships Jesus intended us to have. These kind of relationships are not surface level but go deeper on an emotional and spiritual level. The forgiveness and unconditional love that is expressed within these relationships sets them apart. God uses the Holy Spirit within our friends to speak to us and convict us and give us hope.

The love we have for one another is what sets us apart from the rest of the world and points straight to Jesus. There is no doubt about it that Christ-like relationships and Christ-centered community is important. Somehow though people have got themselves into thinking that their relationship with Jesus is only personal. That they don't need church or community to grow spiritually and that it is ok to just keep it to themself. They have themselves fooled; until they discover the importance of community within the Body of Christ they will miss out on a many wonderful opportunity to witness God working here on earth.

My life would only be better if...

Have you ever been unsatisfied? Have you wanted something more, wanted something someone else had or even yet wanted to be someone else. I'm pretty sure we all have, and probably do right now if we are honest with ourselves. If I asked you right now to make a list of what you want off the top of your head I'm sure you could do it, and it would be a long long list.

I'm not ashamed to admit that these are just a few of some of the things I desire.

A better job

A kinder manager

A family that understands me

Friends that are closer

Nicer clothes

More exciting opportunities

Money for travel

To meet my husband

To be a better musician

To be slimmer

"My life would only be better if..." is in our heads constantly, or at least it's in mine. Thinking that a single one of these things will satisfy me and make my life better will never lead me closer to Christ; it will lead me even deeper into my own selfishness and insecurity. This pursuit of worldly happiness is endless, we will always want more. It is also fruitless because every time we give that desire the power to control how we feel, it will inevitably fail us and the real long lasting happiness we sought is nowhere to be found.

Today I was reading my devotions in 1 Timothy 6 and these verses caught my attention.

^"6But godliness with contentment is great gain. ⁷For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. ⁸But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that."

Being content with only food and clothing seems a near impossible task in this culture where advertisements and the media draw thick lines between how much stuff we have, the reputation we have, the job we have, the people we know, the person we date and how happy and satisfied we will be.

However once we understand that we do not deserve anything and that we have been given everything we have contentment is found.

This summer has been hard to adjust to because I love to be with people, go places, and do ministry all the time. I also hate my manager, feel so mistreated at work, and get paid very little.

But God has been teaching me to be thankful that I even have a family, friends and a job. He is showing me that without all the free time I have I would never be able to accomplish the goals I set for the summer which were a.) growing spiritually (which requires time spent in the word and in devotion) b. growing musically (which requires time spent practicing my instrument) and c. growing physically (which requires time spent at the gym).

God is good all the time. I repeat ALL THE TIME GOD IS GOOD. *I feel like saying that in a black church right now* Instead of wanting what this world offers me, which will only last in this short worldly life and has no significance in my eternal life down the road, I need to want more of Jesus. I need to want to become a better person, to endure hardship and build perseverance, to be tested and tried for my faith.

The good thing is, I do want these things. I also want to see Jesus brought into the lives of all of those around me even if they clearly see him in my life for but a moment. But the bad thing is that my fleshy desires often scream louder than my Godly ones sometimes.

The solution to muting those bad boys: Learning to find contentment in every situation and circumstance by recognizing that Jesus is the only one who will satisfy and everything I have been given is in the words of JJ Heller

"Not mine anyways"

Hope this helps,

Tess

Do I look 17?

The other day I was getting on the bus and I handed the driver $2.50. She looked at me and said "No No Sweetie! It's only a 1.75 for you!" Me: "I'm 20" Her: "Oh well I thought you were 17" Me: "Nope!"

Ever since I was a little girl I have wanted to go to Africa. There is this deep desire in my heart to go be a part of the culture I have found so fascinating. The overcoming joy and passion that I see in their faces as they worship and praise the Lord is something so divine, something I know that comes from their simple relationship with the Lord.

It seems that the opportunity has come up for me to go next year. I think I will do it. I think I will go for 3 months and serve.

There is still alot of stuff I need to figure out and sort through but I know one thing- I am going to AFRICA!!